One couple reveals why their sexless marriage has strengthened their bond and happiness. Photo / 123RF
WARNING: This story deals with sexual content and is suitable for adults only.
Maggie and James haven’t made love in years, yet their marriage has never been stronger
Can a couple have a happy and fulfilled relationship in a sexless marriage? They can when both partners are content with intimacy stopping at a cuddle. Maggie*, 66, and James, 62, talk about their 30-year bond and why, for them, sex isn’t a priority.
*Interviewees names have been changed
Maggie, a retired teacher
It’s not like sex has ever been a problem for me. When James and I first got together, I had a very healthy interest in sex and we had a fair amount of it. But my menopause hit me early, in my mid-40s, and that’s when things started to wane. I couldn’t regulate my hot flushes and being in bed with James was like sleeping with a radiator. My sleep patterns were so off kilter, it was making me feel irritable and exhausted. I also had problems with my knees and although I needed a knee replacement, it couldn’t be done straight away. So whatever position we tried, I just couldn’t get comfortable.
We both went through quite a few years of sleeping badly. I had these health issues, we had two young children, and our nightly routines didn’t coincide. James likes to be in bed by 11pm, I’m usually still awake at 2am. It got to the stage, in our early 50s, where we were both so shattered we needed to find a solution. So we decided to try sleeping in separate bedrooms. From the off, it worked amazingly well. For the first time in years, we both felt relaxed and rested; it seemed crazy to go back to sharing a bed. But that was also the point when our sex life stopped.
It’s not something we discuss with other people, but I suspect there would be an assumption that our marriage must be in difficulty or unhappy. It couldn’t be farther from the truth. I feel extremely content, and I love James deeply. Our relationship is tight and happy; our life is full. We now have grandchildren who we are closely involved with, we frequently travel, and because we are retired, we spend most of our time happily together. I respect James, I find him attractive, and I trust him explicitly. We’ve been married since 2002 and knew each other for 13 years before that. But after all that time, how can the passion be sustained? The bottom line is that sex is no longer significant for either of us, and because we are on the same page, it isn’t a problem.
Even though we sleep in separate bedrooms, we still spend time together in those rooms. James might come into my bed at night or first thing in the morning for a chat and a cuddle; we’ll discuss something that might be going on with the family, or we wonder where to go for our next trip. And, yes, when we do travel, we’ll share a bed. As a couple, we kiss, hold hands, snuggle up on the sofa, but sex is not something I think about. Even when we are bombarded with it on the television or at the cinema, I don’t feel envious. It’s simply something that was once part of my relationship and now isn’t.
Do I ever wonder if James will seek sex elsewhere? No. I’m sure he’s in the same camp as me. It’s not high up on his list of life’s priorities.
James, a retired office manager
If you had asked me when I was younger how important sex was to me, I’d have given it a nine out of 10. These days, it would be one out of 10. I love Maggie completely, but when you have been together for as long as we have, familiarity diminishes the thrill. That’s human nature. So, unless you are thinking of being with someone else — which I’m not — you accept that a good night’s sleep takes precedence over sex. We’ve never had a big conversation about that side of our relationship ending; it didn’t feel necessary. It was something that happened over time and neither of us seemed upset or concerned about it.
I hear other people saying they have specific date nights to “get close”, or that Tuesday is the day allocated to have sex. That seems ridiculous to me. If we ever felt like having sex, we simply did it; if we didn’t, we went to sleep. The latter happened naturally more and more.
We cuddle a lot. I am particularly demonstrative. So we might have a hug first thing to say good morning, or if one of us is feeling down, we’ll get close. But our cuddles are not sexually charged — intimacy stops there.
When Maggie first mentioned sleeping in separate beds, I was against the idea, but I’m a convert now. Because we are retired, we spend a lot of time together, but having our own bedrooms means we can have time apart, too. I hear friends complaining about their partner’s snoring or them wanting to read with the light on; it causes a lot of resentment and anger. But we are always happy to see each other in the morning.
I never think of our relationship as boring or lacking. It’s as good as it’s ever been — we have a strong rapport, with lots of laughter, commitment and shared history. There may be the odd occasion when I might be watching television and see an attractive woman and think, “She’s sexy”, but the reality is, I am never going to put those thoughts into action. Why would I jeopardise what I’ve got? Having sex with someone else doesn’t interest me. It’s simply not worth the effort. Yes, it might be exciting initially, but that will peter out after a while, too. What I’ve got with Maggie is secure, solid and deep — 100 times better than any passing thrill.
Some couples may be able to keep their sex life going with different positions, unusual locations or other stimulants, but I still adhere to the thought that, over time, that will wane, too. Love and excitement — for me, anyway — remain based in the knowledge that I have a very special marriage with a woman I have loved for more than 30 years. That’s worth more than any session between the sheets.
The potential for us to have sex is still there. It’s not like there is anything physically wrong, and so we could if we both wanted to. But it’s more likely we’d opt for an early night to get a good night’s sleep because we’re looking after the grandchildren the next day.
As told to Jenny Tucker
Victoria Rusnac, an intimacy coach and the founder of For Play Chocolates, encourages couples to explore different types of intimacy in their relationships.
She says: “If both partners are truly happy and fulfilled without having sex, there’s nothing wrong with that from a modern sexology perspective. I really admire Maggie and James for redefining what intimacy means to them. Their story shows that meaningful intimacy doesn’t have to fit society’s expectations of frequent sex. Their deep emotional bond, mutual respect, and ability to adapt to life’s ups and downs highlight the strength of their relationship. And it’s positive they’ve embraced a broader view of intimacy, cherishing physical closeness such as cuddles and hand-holding, which boost emotional connection.”
Rusnac continues: “Communication is key. Problems often arise when there is a mismatch in desire or a lack of open discussion. If one partner assumes the other is okay with not having sex, without really talking things through, it can lead to misunderstandings, frustration, and strain on the relationship. Honest conversations about expectations and feelings around intimacy are essential, even if the decision is to continue a sexless relationship.
“I’d advise couples to prioritise non-sexual physical touch such as hugs, cuddles, and kisses. As humans, we thrive on physical connection with our loved ones. It’s vital for emotional well-being, as it releases bonding hormones like oxytocin and reduces stress hormones like cortisol, benefiting both the relationship and mental health.”
It’s hard to focus on intimacy when you’re not looking after your own body. Prioritise the basics: sleep, movement, good nutrition, and your emotional health. A ‘healthier you’ is the starting point of a fulfilling intimate connection.
You can’t just restart intimacy out of the blue — it takes thought, intention, and desire from both sides. Have an open conversation with your partner, explaining why intimacy matters to you, how it makes you feel, and why you value them so much. Remember to be empathetic, share your feelings honestly with each other and suggest approaching intimacy with a little bit more intention this time around.
Start by reconnecting with the love you felt at the beginning of your relationship. There are plenty of conversation starters designed to help couples rediscover each other. Here are a few questions to ask:
Start small — share genuine compliments, show appreciation, and say simple things like, “One thing I love about you is…” These little moments can create a big emotional shift.
Simmering is all about building that spark with your partner throughout the day. It’s the little things – kisses, hugs, running your fingers through their hair, or sharing a flirty smile — that keep the connection alive. Think playful flirting, compliments, affectionate touches, and light-hearted joking. When these moments become a natural part of your relationship, it sets the stage for intimacy to grow.
Invite your partner on an “intimacy date” to spark some fun and variety into your relationship. Exploring something novel together — whether it’s a cooking class, a dance lesson together, or going on a hike — can work wonders. I always recommend to clients that doing something different outside the bedroom can spark passion inside it. Shared experiences keep things exciting and remind you how much fun you can have together.
Make time for those feel-good, intimate moments with your partner — like taking a warm bath together, giving each other massages, cuddling, or just enjoying soft, gentle touches. It’s about focusing on what feels good and exciting rather than sticking to the same old routine.
A lot of people feel discouraged when they don’t experience that out-of-nowhere spark of passion. But desire usually needs a little nudge to get going. Start slow, focus on connecting with your partner, and let the heat and passion build naturally.
Relationships are constantly evolving, and what worked a year ago might not feel the same now. That’s why it’s so important to have regular check-ins with your partner. Take time to ask how they’re feeling about the relationship, what’s working well, and what might need a little extra attention. These conversations don’t have to be formal – sometimes the best talks happen during a walk, over dinner, or even while winding down at the end of the day. The key is to feel comfortable enough to be honest about your needs and desires. Regular check-ins help you stay connected and ensure you’re growing together, not apart. Plus, they show your partner that you care about their happiness and the health of the relationship.
The Nightglow will take place on March 22 in Hamilton.