New York Times advice columnist Philip Galanes answers readers’ questions.
Q: My grandson has been married three times and has two children: a baby boy with his third wife and an 8-year-old daughter from his first marriage. He refuses to have any contact with his daughter or pay any child support to his first wife. I am hurt and angry by his abandonment of his child! I have not seen his new baby yet, nor do I want to. This marriage may fail, too, and I may never see my new great-grandson. Meanwhile, my heart breaks for my great-granddaughter, who just wants to see her daddy. My grandson and his new wife are avoiding my family, so I’m not sure what to do. Should I speak to him or have nothing to do with him? — GREAT-GRANDMOTHER
A: I understand your focus on your grandson. He is probably the person you know best in this story, and he seems to be the worst-behaved. Call him and urge him to help support his daughter financially and emotionally (why not?). I have another idea, though, that may prove more beneficial to your great-granddaughter, and its results are more within your control.
According to a report by the US Census Bureau, about 30 per cent of noncustodial parents who were required to make child support payments failed to pay anything. It’s worth a try to call your grandson, but your request may not have much effect on a deadbeat dad. I hope your grandson’s ex-wife hires a killer lawyer and collects every penny to which she is entitled — with interest.
Your energy is probably better spent on your great-granddaughter. Be as involved with her as possible (without creating extra burdens for her mother). Consider regular visits, outings, Zoom calls — even special greeting cards. Make sure she knows how much you love her. This will not compensate for her father’s abandonment of her, but it may create a tremendous bright spot in her life.