What you describe as irritation could well be a warning sign, a siren triggered by a psychic trip-wire. Photo / Getty Images
What you describe as irritation could well be a warning sign, a siren triggered by a psychic trip-wire. Photo / Getty Images
Dear A&E,
I have a friend who is really grabbing life by the horns at the moment – every time I speak to her she has taken on a new hobby, or is doing a new course, or is lit up by some new exhibition. And every time I hear myself saying “Amazing”; but I feel like my teeth are grinding and my head is going to explode with irritation.
Why do I mind? I should just be happy for her, but instead I feel low about my reactions to her interests. I feel like cutting her out of my life. What is going on?
Irritation is one to watch, isn’t it? It’s a sticky emotion. Is it even an emotion, or is it a secondary signal that some other button has been pressed? A worry or fear or hurt button? Your reaction might be defensive: what you describe as irritation could well be a warning sign, a siren triggered by a psychic trip-wire.
I should just be happy for her, but instead I feel low about my reactions to her interests. Photo / Getty Images
Could it be that your friend’s new lust for life feels threatening to you – so unbearably so that you’d almost rather get rid of her than deal with why you are feeling what you are feeling?
We say almost, Irritable, because you haven’t jettisoned her; you have written to us. You know that you can make changes.
There’s an old saying in recovery circles: FEAR is either an acronym for F*** Everything And Run, or Face Everything And Recover. And speaking of recovery, your reaction reminded us of those people who needle their friends for not drinking: “Oh, you used to be so much fun,” or, “Come on, one drink isn’t going to kill you,” rather than, “Well done you, not drinking is no picnic.”
Or those other concerned souls who, when people lose some weight, deliver warnings like: “Don’t lose too much.”
It can feel as if these people might actually be saying: “Maybe my drinking is a problem,” or, “Don’t get thinner than me.”
All our relationships and interactions are, to some extent, a mirror. And what they reflect back at us can feel uncomfortable. Sometimes it’s helpful, and sometimes it’s uncomfortably helpful. Do you look at your friend, in all her glorious enthusiasm for everything, and see only your own frustrated self?
Do you look at your friend, in all her glorious enthusiasm for everything, and see only your own frustrated self?
We can become accustomed to moving in packs with our “crowd”. In the same direction. On the same page. According to your longer letter (edited above), your current page might read something like: “I’m tired. I feel afraid. I am worried that I’m not maximising my potential and I’m frustrated with some of the alleys I have scampered down. A three-point turn does not feel possible, so I have to keep going forwards whether I want to or not.”
Your friend has wandered off the track, distracted by something beautiful. How has she hacked her energy and her diary and made space for possibility? How dare she! How dare she do this TO YOU!
Because it’s not her you are hating, Irritable. You are hating the way it makes you feel. You are hating your perceived limitations.
You don’t say in your letter that she’s being smug or showing off. Instead, you open by saying that she’s “grabbing life by the horns”. Anyone might think you were about to say something admiring. Anyone might think you were about to say you wanted to do the same – that she was inspiring you. Flip the envy, Irritable. Envy can be a useful signpost in the direction of what you really want.
Why not see your magnificent friend out there – dancing off the beaten path – and go join her? Photo / Getty Images
It might be helpful to accept that your friend bringing fresh new things into her life isn’t taking anything away from yours. When we are unhappily single, seeing other people getting married might make us feel sad, but it doesn’t make us any more single. It may compound the feeling of loneliness, but they are not doing anything to us.
When we are feeling “less than”, our perception twists and warps, so we can start to think that things are being stolen from us, that other people’s gains are our direct losses. Resentment builds and suddenly we find ourselves, well, really irritated.
Instead of allowing yourself to be controlled by this sense of threat, why not reframe it as an expansion rather than a crushing? Why not see your magnificent friend out there – dancing off the beaten path – and go join her?
Rather than festering about the opportunities she is creating for herself, why not say, “Next time you hear about a great show/play/class, please can we go together?” Join the expansion party. See if it is so irritating first-hand.
It sounds to us as if you might have some areas in your life where you are longing for change. Don’t be afraid of looking in new directions. Maybe your friend’s new-found zest for the world is not a personal rebuke. Maybe it is an invitation… grab that by the horns, Irritable. You can always be home by 9pm.
