We all indulge in steamy financial fantasies and chew over how they would play out in our lives if money, suddenly, were no object. We are travel porn addicts (stays at the Datai, any Aman, winter sun, Capri summers), fashion porn addicts (The Row, that Bella Freud suit, appointments at Jessica McCormack for jewels) – and then there’s property porn. Property porn is the big one, isn’t it? The town house, the estate, the pool, the summer escape. Emilie has bookmarked the listing for a house on Nantucket, should her situation ever change.
With friends, you assume you will spend your lives communally pressing your noses to the extreme wealth window. Suddenly your pal is on the other side of it. She is inhabiting the world of the people that you envy. We all like to feel that we are in the same boat with our peers, but suddenly you are on a rowing boat and she’s on a superyacht. Of course you feel happy for her (so happy!) but… it’s complicated.
Jealousy. Such an inconvenient human emotion because it doesn’t help anybody. Sure, it can be a driver to success, but unless you are suddenly going to become a master of the universe – or marry one – it’s likely that your current “comfortable” status is going to stay the same. Meanwhile, your friend is experiencing extreme change. You might feel that she is a little lost to you, now, over there in her shiny new life. You may feel that her stepping into money has made the prospect of wealth even more remote for you. But the point is that nothing has changed for you: everything has changed for her.
Lifelong friendships are hard, because life throws all sorts of hurdles at you to trip you up. There is a time when wealth and other disparities don’t really signify, when we are all starting out and making a mess of things. But as we get further into the rat race, if anyone pulls ahead or in a different direction (career, relationships, money, babies, even energy) – it can feel as if they are pulling away. And you are left behind. Suddenly, you are playing catch-up. It can make people feel very far away, and trigger us into avoidance (we don’t want to see our lives reflected back at us through their rich/thin/married/pregnant/successful lens).
And now you are navigating the stress of these unpleasant and slightly shameful (although deeply understandable) feelings. Dr Sam Akbar’s book Stressilient has myriad easy and effective exercises that might help you monitor your emotions and keep them in their appropriate place. One such might involve really rolling around in the mud of your jealousy – all that pain and resentment – then taking a mental step back. Start by saying, “I’m jealous.” Then follow up with, “I am having jealous thoughts.” And then, “I’m noticing that I am having jealous thoughts.” By distancing yourself from the green-eyed monster you might cool its fiery breath.
The other thing it is worth remembering is that – CLICHÉ ALERT – money doesn’t buy happiness. There are compelling studies about the relationship between wealth and satisfaction – in 2010, Nobel prize winner Daniel Kahneman found that after you hit £50,000 ($105,000) a year, there was a dulling of emotions. OK, that’s probably £100,000 ($211,000) now, thanks to the cost of living crisis. Other studies also show that richer people are less empathetic; that abundance gives people independence from others and therefore makes them less sensitive; that they are more likely to behave in selfish ways. Small comfort, Discomfited, but the point we are making isn’t just that your friend suddenly becoming richer doesn’t make you any poorer. It also might not make her happier, after a time. Comparison really is the thief of joy.
So yes, it is hard to find your nose pressed up against the window of her manor house. Well, then: why not go to the front door, knock and ask for a tour? She’s already invited you. It might be fun.
