My ex has a ‘difficult personality’. How do I help our son deal with his dad?

Co-parenting challenges can deeply affect a child’s emotional development. Photo / 123RF

Should this divorced mum encourage her son to “back down” when he’s with his difficult dad?

Q. I am a divorced mum of two kids, aged 11 and 13. I share custody with their dad, who I know to have a difficult personality. I have felt like my kids are too young to get into the specifics, but it seems that they are starting to pick up on some facets.

My daughter, the youngest, seems to have picked up that being agreeable with her dad keeps her out of trouble or minimises punishment. However, my son is more likely to speak up in the face of inconsistencies and he gets punished heavily. For example, my son is in a month-long punishment (which also means he can’t read his favourite books) because he had one bite left of a meal that he was unable to finish before a timer went off. Although I wasn’t there to see this, I believe it - I’ve seen him do things like that before. Both of my kids recognise their dad has a favourite, and my son is regularly telling me it obviously isn’t him and his punishments aren’t fair.

I am aware I can’t and shouldn’t confront their dad about how he is running his house. But I wonder what I can do, especially for my son, when he’s with me. How can I support him, and what advice should I give him? I hate to tell him not to tell the truth as he sees it, but maybe encouraging him to back down with his dad would help smooth his path with him for the next few years. I just want to build him up so he doesn’t grow up believing he’s not a good kid.

- Worried mum.

A: Thank you for writing; I am glad you are curious about how honest you should be with your son and we will get into that, but I am stuck on the fact that your son is being punished for not finishing a bite of food.

Do not think for a minute this isn’t abusive and manipulative behaviour on the part of your ex. For more signs of emotional abuse, check out this list at www.americanspcc.org/emotional-child-abuse, but you can see the first sign is, “Parents or caretakers place demands on the child that are based on unreasonable or impossible expectations or without consideration of the child’s developmental capacity.” Your child is too old to have a timer placed on his meals, and it is manipulative to take away basic things like books. That your son spots inconsistencies is developmentally appropriate, and I like to see his fighting spirit. I am so sorry his father is trying to crush that spirit.

My first recommendation is you document every single thing your ex is doing. I don’t know how custody and lawyers are involved in this, but the proper parties need to know about your ex’s behaviour. It depends on your state, but your son may be old enough to have a say in his custody agreement. Don’t talk about it with your son until you have the facts in front of you, but please contact your lawyer as soon as possible.

The deepest pain of this entire scenario is you have no control over your ex, his inconsistencies or his harmful punishments and, therefore, no control over your children’s pain. And there’s nothing worse than seeing your children in emotional or physical pain. When there’s so little to control, the one power you do have is to help your children process their anger, disappointment and pain. You want to know if you should encourage your son to back down, and there is no easy answer to this. It is a lose-lose for your son: if he gives in to his father’s unreasonable demands and thinking, he loses confidence. If he keeps fighting his father, he will always be the victim of unreasonable punishments and manipulation. Be honest with your son about this, and begin to problem-solve with him around the best way to navigate his father. Help your son get specific around the pain points (meal times, for instance), create a plan and practice the scenarios with your son.

Teen boys often mirror their father’s behaviour, making positive male role models crucial. Photo / 123RF

Because your son will have to be the more mature one in his relationship with his father, you will need to double down on growing the best in him as a young teen. Without directly bad-mouthing your ex, explicitly let your son know which of his characteristics you prize: his directness, his discernment, his courage, etc. Give ample examples, and don’t be afraid to directly contradict your ex when you are speaking to your son (unless it could make things worse for him). Give your son more developmentally appropriate opportunities to practice independence; he will feel the positive aspect of choice and responsibility. I also hope your son is involved in activities where he is valued, has a positive male influence and can shine. Group sports are often a great choice, but I also love martial arts (and a great martial arts teacher) to emotionally and physically guide young teens.

Even as you do your best parenting work, when a teen is treated with such manipulative behaviour, they are more likely to exhibit anger, anxiety and depression. Look for signs of struggle, such as doing poorly in school, issues with friends, withdrawal, sleep issues (too much or too little), lack of focus, eating issues (too much or too little) and withdrawal from activities he normally enjoys. A good therapist who specialises in teens, divorce and emotional abuse could help your son move through his feelings and develop healthy coping strategies before unhealthy ones - such as alcohol, drugs and other self-harming behaviours - can take hold.

Finally, I am also dismayed your daughter has started to shrink to stay out of her father’s crosshairs. I don’t blame her; she is doing her very best in a terrible situation, but we don’t need more young women who shrink themselves for domineering men. The martial arts idea would help her, too, as well as a good therapist. Whatever you do, keep letting your children know that their father may love them, but love isn’t meant to hurt, scare or humiliate them. Good luck.