Modern etiquette: Whose family do we commit to for Christmas?

Splitting Christmas Day between families can be a little bit tricky when both are living in different cities.. Photo / iStock

My partner and I have been together three years. We have spent alternate Christmases with each of our families for the past two years (his family are in the South Island, mine are in Auckland). Do we have to follow this again this year? Or can we do two Christmases in a row in the same place? - Christmas Conundrum, Auckland.

Splitting Christmas Day between families is so much easier when both are in the same city, right? You do lunch with one, dinner with the other, and everybody is happy.

Believe it or not, many people take midday flights up and down the country in order to see both families on Christmas Day. I can't imagine how this could possibly be cohesive with the laid back, Christmas-by-the-beach vibe Kiwis love so much. I advocate a relaxing Christmas - not one full of obligation - so here's how to do it.

If your families aren't too demanding, don't feel the need to stick to the regimented on/off cycle of Christmases. It is perfectly acceptable to visit the same family two years in a row, if it best suits your holiday plans. Just ensure you convey this to the family missing out, and ensure they know there are many more great Christmases to come.

If you can afford it, see that family earlier or later in the holiday season. Don't place so much pressure on "the day". We all know the entire week between Christmas and New Years is just as enjoyable.

If one family insists on you coming this year "because the other family had you last year", you have to make a judgment call and be prepared for the consequences. Either go to the family whose "turn" it is and keep the peace, or break with protocol. You'll upset somebody with the latter, but it's unlikely they'll hold it against you forever.

Remember, it's your holiday. Doing it on your terms is important. Don't be afraid to go to neither family's house for Christmas, and instead spend it together as a couple at home, or with friends. Tell everyone you just need a break from Christmas commitment, and will start the cycle again next year.

The fence between my house and my neighbour's is falling down. I asked him whether he's willing to pay half to replace it, he said no. How do I take this further? - Boundary Barriers, North Shore.

Photo / iStock

Believe it or not, there's a legal procedure for this exact situation in New Zealand. Under the Fencing Act 1978 (yes, it's a real act!), your fence must be reasonably satisfactory for the purpose it is intended to serve. In this case, if your fence is falling over, the boundary between properties is thus blurred, and it no longer serves its purpose.

First you need to give your neighbour a fencing notice. This states what you want to do, the costs, materials, start date, and so on. It must also say your neighbour has 21 days to object or provide another proposal, and it must state that if 21 days passes without contact, your fencing notice will be deemed accepted and the costs will be shared.

The neighbour can serve you a cross-notice if they think the current fence is adequate, or your proposal is extravagant. You will then have to go back and forth until you come to an agreement, or one of you takes it to the Disputes Tribunal or another from of mediation or arbitration.

When is it okay to start to be flatulent in front of your partner? - The Gas Man, Wellington.

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The phrase "be flatulent" makes it sound like farting is some sort of extramural activity for you. As if it's something so regular you consider it part of your personality.

Here's the best advice I can give you: It shouldn't be part of your character. Farts happen, but farting is not a hobby. Your partner will never find flatulence attractive. Do you hear me?

After three or so weeks of dating, the occasional toot will probably be seen as cute by either sex, as long as it's accompanied by bashfulness. But don't use this as a hall pass to fart constantly in front of their face.

If you feel like you're constantly holding it in when you're around them, you need to stop wondering about farting etiquette and start thinking about changes in your diet. Seriously, put down the wheat or try switching to soy, and deal with the cause of your gas.