Modern etiquette: What do I do when I pass wind in public?

Do you own up to if you're flatulent in public? Photo / 123RF

Opinion

What do I do when I pass wind in public? Pretend it wasn't me, or own it? - Gas Guzzler, Wellington.

Public flatulence happens to the best of us at the worst of times. It happens in meetings, at the gym, and, oddly, but very, very commonly, it seems to happen on nightclub dance floors (is it because you're feeling so free and loose?).

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Whatever the case, you must decide whether you value ethics over etiquette, or vice versa. Ethically, you should own up to your fart. Acknowledge it, say "excuse me", don't make a fuss, and move on like it was a sneeze. Denying a tooter when it's obviously yours makes you look like a liar (because, of course, you are).

However, few of us are this brave, and there are only so many opportunities you can write off a ripe ripper as a shift in your seat (this is only really possible when you're sitting on vinyl). So, here are your options, according to my best possible advice for farting etiquette. If you know the wind is coming, move. Move quickly. Move away from people, towards an open space. If you're far enough from other humans, their ears mightn't hear you, and unless you're upwind, you'll avoid the smell issue.

If you cut the cheese without warning, and somebody does notice, the best etiquette is to just keep going about your business. Pretend you didn't hear it. If someone says something (remember you're not at school anymore, so this is unlikely), say you can't smell anything. Then about 10 seconds later, say the foul stench of rotten eggs just reached you, and you wonder where it came from.

If you're alone in a room with just one other person and you let one rip, you're screwed. Your only hope is to make a joke about it. If it happens more than once, you might consider adjusting your diet.

My wife can't let go of her laptop every night when we're watching TV on the couch. Usually she's just on Facebook. It makes me a feel ignored sometimes. Is she being rude? - Unsettled on the Sofa, Auckland.

Does your plus-one spend more time looking at a screen than you? Photo / 123RF

There's actually a technical term for this: double screening. According to social media gurus, it's extremely common weeknights between 8pm and 9pm, as this is when the best television is on AND it's probably been an hour (or more) since you last checked up on the world.

Yes, if you have a problem with it, your wife is being rude. But you need to talk to her about it, because otherwise she'll just think she's a good multi-tasker. Tell her how much you value the few hours each day you get to be alone with her. Tell her how much you enjoy cuddling up to Orange is the New Black. Tell her you're guilty of double screening too sometimes (unless you're a technophobe, you probably are, so don't make this a "her" problem), and you want to make a more conscious effort together to be doing one thing at a time. Maybe this means creating a no-devices zone in the house, or a "no electronics after 8pm" rule. There are enough hours in a day to stay connected, and going offline for a while each day will help more than just your marriage.

I get mad when I invite someone to my house (or out to dinner) and they bring someone else without running it by me. I'd always say it's okay, but it's nice to be asked. What say you? - Angling to be Asked, Auckland

What happens when your pal brings another person to pizza night? Photo / 123RF

I have a friend whose boyfriend I'm not terribly fond of. There's no serious beef, but I'd prefer to see my mate alone, not with his puppy-dog partner. However, there's nothing I can do. It is terribly bad form to tell someone they can't bring their loved one to dinner. The only way you can work around this is to frame it as a "boys' night".

However, as I look at the wording of your question, it seems your friend brings people who aren't his or her partner to your house. In this case, you have to be proactive with invites by asking, "are you going to bring anybody along?" Then, you have full warning. Yes, it is nice to be asked, but some people aren't that socially cognisant. If you have a problem, it's up to you to either deal with it head-on, as the invitation goes out, or not invite them at all.