Modern etiquette: I'm only attracted to white guys. Am I racist?

Is it an issue if I only date white guys? Photo / Thinkstock

Opinion

One's sexual attraction is not something one can control or change. However, racism is defined as prejudice or discrimination against someone based purely on their race (and, usually, the belief your own race is superior). The fact you're not attracted to non-white men means you don't give them equal opportunity to court you, thus, you are in fact racist based on dictionary definition.

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However, if you had asked, "I'm only attracted to people of the opposite sex. Am I homophobic?", my answer would have been a resounding no. Why is that any different? Would you not technically be discriminating against those of the same sex because you're not open to letting them woo you?

Technically, you would be discriminating. But you're allowed to discriminate when it comes to your own sexual preferences. See, that's why they're called preferences. Otherwise you'd just be open to everyone and everything (which is perfectly fine, by the way).

Therefore, the label "racist" isn't relevant to your sexuality. Only if your preference extends to a dislike of non-white people outside of your own personal dating partiality do you have a problem.

I am a non-drinker and when my husband gets together with his family I sit there for hours while they catch up over wine. As the evening progresses the conversations become particularly less interesting for the only sober person in the room, and sometimes border on the offensive. How should I deal with their comments? Can I leave the room? - Politely Patient, Auckland

Eating with in-laws isn't always easy. Photo / Thinkstock

You're between a rock and a hard place on this one (your husband being the rock, his family being the hard place). While you want to speak up, you're probably fearing that your husband's family's love for you (unlike their love for him) is not unconditional. You try hard to always make your best impression and be polite, because you know they could hold things - such as pulling them up on their bigotry - against you. They then have the power make spending time with them (even more) unpleasant.

First of all, yes, you can leave the room. Unless you're sitting down to dinner, it's perfectly acceptable to excuse yourself, not make a scene, and just take some time out for fresh air. Offer to go wash dishes, play with the dog, etc. This might be all you need to cool off.

However, you if you find their offensive comments to persist, even after you go away for a 20 minute breather, you need to do something about it. Or rather, your husband needs to.

Tell him you're uncomfortable confronting his family as you don't think it's your place, but you'd like him to address they way they behave and the tone of their comments while drinking. He should have no problem being upfront with his family, because he has nothing to lose. If they rectify their behaviour, problem solved. If they don't, you stand on good ground to not attend their get-togethers (and your husband can deal with making excuses for you).

If your husband is partaking in the offensive comments, and doesn't see any problem with them, raise that with him first. A bug bear like that, gone unchecked for years, could seriously affect your marriage.

How do I fire somebody from a voluntary committee? Or is it better to ignore them and keep calm and non-confrontational (which might lead to failure of the whole team)? - Considered about my Committee, Wellington.

Can you sack a volunteer? Photo / Thinkstock

While they're not getting paid, volunteers have important roles in the mission of an organisation, and if that role isn't being upheld satisfactorily, you have a responsibility to move the volunteer out of their position.

Failure of the whole team, or even lessoning of the team morale, is not an option. Other volunteers, too, are not getting paid and can't be taken for granted. Firing one bad egg would also be for their benefit.

However, just because there is no employment contact, doesn't mean you shouldn't apply standard managerial rules. Don't be so hasty to fire this person. First, undertake a one-on-one review with them, discuss their volunteering expectations how they are not being met, and so on. If your volunteer is interested in dealing with their shortcomings, give them another chance. If they're not, they will likely offer to leave without you even asking.

If this volunteer is given a second chance and they fail at meeting their role requirements yet again, give them one last clear and final warning. Then, if/when they continue to burden the organisation, tell your volunteer you have appreciated their intentions, but it's not working out and you no longer have any use for them. Do this in person at the end of a volunteering session, collect any keys, uniforms or other collateral then and there, and make it a clean break.