Modern Etiquette: How do I befriend gay people?

Apply the same rules of friend-making to LGBT people as you would to straight people. Photo / Thinkstock

I want to be friends with the LGBT people at uni, but they seem standoffish and stick together, like everybody hates them. That's just not true. Is there anything I can do to get along with them better? - Friend not Foe, Waikato.

I talk about the need for diversity and open mindedness a lot. Usually it's in reference to our dominant heterosexual society. However, the LGBT community can be closed-minded too. There are many LBGT people out there with exclusively LGBT friends - at times in my own life, my friendship group has strictly resembled the cast of Fame. While this exclusivity comes from years of isolation and fear, this is the opposite of diversity and open-mindedness.

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Apply the same rules of friend-making to LGBT people as you would to straight people (often, and especially at university, they have their own seemingly-exclusive cliques too). Don't try and break into a "group" of friends, but rather, try and befriend one person within that group. Make conversation within your tutorials, and try and get paired up with them for assignments. Let the friendship develop naturally from there - if you get along really well, they'll likely invite you to a communal gathering eventually.

Also, don't be afraid to sit right beside somebody in a lecture theatre and just say "hi". Typically students always like to leave a spare seat between themselves and people they don't know, but use busy lectures as an opportunity to get cosy and strike up natural (emphasis on the natural) conversation. You can't force a friendship, but you can put on your best show to prove yourself a good candidate.

Don't say anything along the lines of "I really want some gay friends"; leave sexuality out of it. Even though a diverse friendship group is your goal, you need to let people know you're genuine, not just a hopeful hag looking for a GBF (gay best friend).

What's the etiquette when I'm getting a spray tan? Do I keep my underwear on? - Tan Troubles, Christchurch.

Beauticians are used to naked people - you needn't be afraid of getting your kit off. Photo / Thinkstock

While some argue it's up to the comfort level of the person administering the spray tan, I disagree. You, as the customer, are paying for a service and it's up to you - particularly because you are the vulnerable one in a spray-tanning situation - to dictate what you want, based on your comfort level.

Like doctors, beauticians are used to naked people of all shapes and sizes. You needn't be afraid of getting your kit off, because your bits are some of the dozens they see every week. Personally, I would be more comfortable completely naked than in scratchy paper pants. The purpose of a spray tan, also, is all-over colour. If you wanted tan lines, you'd just sunbathe in public.

However, if you're not comfortable going starkers in front of a stranger, don't feel you're obliged to. You're not getting a physical at the GP's office - there will be no bending over and coughing.

However, to be respectful of the beautician on their hands and knees, ensuring you're getting an even tan. When they ask you to turn, pull, or move, do as requested. When the spraying is over, also follow the guidance you're given about post-tan care explicitly, including following the period where you can't shower. Like the spray tan application itself, it might be uncomfortable, but you need to keep your eye on the prize.

A friend borrows my car and returns it with an empty tank every time. I have started to notice marks on the car. How do I tell her that she cannot borrow it anymore without ending our friendship? Auto Annoyance, Auckland.

Is it bad form to return a friend's car with an empty tank? Photo / Thinkstock

Sending her the bill for the panel beater with successfully address goal number one, but fail at goal number two.

Your best bet is to say you've realised your insurance doesn't cover your friend, and you're unable to let anyone else drive the car in case it gets into a serious accident. Then, note quietly that you have to get some marks touched up - if she offers to pay (or contribute), take her up on it. Let it go if she doesn't, and consider yourself lucky she never got into a four car pile-up.

If your insurance does actually cover your friend, and you're ethically uncomfortable lying, ring your insurance company and change your policy to a single driver. Then you're morally in the clear and will have no trouble keeping the friendship as is. You'll probably save money on your premium, too.