Mind Matters with Kyle MacDonald: Vaccinated, unvaccinated: Covid 19 pandemic scared us all

Kiwis have responded to the Covid pandemic in many ways, including refusing to be vaccinated and protesting against mandates at Parliament. Photo / Mark Mitchell

ADVICE

Q: I just discovered a friend who I've not heard from for about a year has completely fallen down the anti-vax rabbit hole, was thinking about going to the Parliament protests, is subscribing to a whole bunch of conspiracy theories, and has cut himself off from people. I'm really shocked and disappointed and don't know whether to reach out. I just want to shake him! What can I do to help them?

A: I've always found it hard to judge, partly because in my day-to-day work I talk to a sample of people who are, by definition, struggling in one way or another.

But it's hard to escape the feeling that many of us are not okay. Anecdotally I hear increasingly from people that road rage is more common, and random crime seems to be increasing. Many of us seem to have a short fuse and are anxious, worried, angry. And tired - so, so tired.

I've written previously about my view that we are all going through a collective grief and I think the emotional scale of what we've all experienced over the last two years - and beyond - will only fully make sense in retrospect. It's like that with many things in life when the feelings are intense because we need to have some distance from the emotions of it all to be able to reflect and make meaning of it all.

And we are very much still "in it".

I'm still undecided on whether it's helpful to think of the impact generally of the pandemic as a "trauma". Although it goes without saying that many have experienced specific traumatic experiences, I don't know whether it's helpful to say we're all traumatised. But we are absolutely all impacted by it in our own ways.

Back to your friend. Time might be the only solution.

I genuinely believe some of these rifts around vaccination - and the protests which seem to have morphed into a general sense of frustration at the way things are - will only be healed by time. Time for everyone to cool down. Time to process and digest all the responses we have about the pandemic and about each other, and how we've responded.

But one thing does unite us - fear.

From those who enthusiastically vaccinated and have voluntarily locked down and reduced the size of their life to protect them and their family all the way through to those who lost their jobs because of mandates, and refuse to be vaccinated, we're all frightened.

And we all respond to fear in a range of ways. But it is a relatively predictable range. For some it looks like compliance, avoidance and caution - maybe even too much hiding - but, to be fair, staying home has been an effective strategy to stay healthy.

Others deny, ignore and act as if nothing has changed, and can become angry or frustrated if they're forced to confront reality. Some just carry on, do what's needed and make the best of it, even if begrudgingly.

And if you struggle to trust authority, then resisting what you're told to do and finding a way to feel in control yourself also makes sense - even if it comes at a heavy cost.

So if you do want to reconnect, find a way to validate the experience they've had. You don't have to correct them, tell them they're wrong or try to educate them. It won't help, and won't change their mind. But prior to the pandemic, we all had friends with whom we disagreed about things - and that was okay.

Time heals, as they say, because time may not make the differences matter less, but it will reduce how strongly we all feel about it.