Mind Matters with Kyle MacDonald: Simply forgiving your abuser will not help you get over it

Move towards 'letting go' - as opposed to forgiving - as a way to think about recovery after abuse. Photo / 123rf

ADVICE

Q: I've read (and been told) a number of times that people need to "forgive their abusers" to move on. Is that true? Do I need to forgive the person who abused me as a child, because I don't know if I can do that?

A: A pretty good rule for life is to always question a seemingly simple solution to a complex problem. Because, no, simply forgiving the person who abused you will not help you get over it. And neither is it true that you must forgive them to move on.

The truth is much more complex than that.

You have every right to feel what you feel about what happened to you, including how you feel about the person who did it. In fact, if there is one factor that is key to recovery it is this, because the struggle to feel and tolerate the feelings that are a result of abuse is the task of recovery.

Personally, I prefer "developing compassion", or if you prefer, moving towards "letting go" - as opposed to forgiving - as a way to think about recovery, because both versions point us towards something to work on in ourselves. Whereas forgiveness becomes about them - not you.

However, the grain of truth in the advice - well-meaning as it is - is to think about what the emotional problem that magically being able to forgive would solve?

Anger largely.

But also resentment, hate and other emotions that can cause us pain if we spend too much time experiencing them - even when they're entirely valid.

So as well as accepting the feelings, we also need to work on - often with the help of a therapist - allowing the feelings to come and go, including anger and other difficult emotions.

But we also have to be careful not to end up living there. Because while feeling anger is understandable, in the end too much of it causes us harm.

Anger can also block other feelings - feelings that are more vulnerable, and harder to feel - which can also keep us stuck.

Because while the abuse happened a long time ago, we keep it alive in ourselves, in our thoughts, feelings and the way our memories flood us with the experience.

What we commonly refer to as trauma is the ongoing impact of these feelings and experiences, stuck within us - for some, in its extreme form, feeling like they literally relive the trauma, years and decades later.

Therapy helps by enabling us to live with the feelings and memories, and by experiencing them we can move through them, and ultimately put them behind us. Traumatic memories become normal bad memories. Overwhelming feelings become manageable.

Hate tempers to dislike, disdain and maybe even, for some, compassion and understanding. Sometimes people can even come to see the complexity of abuse - that those who hurt are often victims of abuse themselves, and so generation after generation on it goes.

And while for some, getting to this place can leave people feeling that it's possible to forgive, telling someone to get over trauma by "just forgiving" is a bit like telling someone who's depressed to "cheer up" - well-intentioned, but ultimately unhelpful in its simplicity.

Focus instead on experiencing less anger, being compassionate towards yourself, and if you are wanting to work on forgiving someone, forgive yourself.