Mind Matters with Kyle MacDonald: Long-term relationships are a never-ending balancing act

Keep talking and listening to make 'love' work. Photo / 123rf

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Q: I'm in my early 30s and I really want to settle down, but I keep meeting men who seem fine, but then turn out to be the same as all the other men I've dated - selfish, and act in ways that hurt me. How can I stop falling for men that aren't right for me?

A: Romance, falling in love, or following our feelings when it comes to relationships has been seriously oversold in our culture. When you talk to people who have been in long-term relationships that have worked, ultimately the most important thing is the ability to keep listening and communicating, and working as a team.

As they say, it should be work, but it shouldn't be hard.

What we know love to be, is shaped by what we've personally known love to be. It's not a greeting card or a rom-com. It isn't even happily ever after. It's experiences of closeness and intimacy that build up our "map" of what love is.

That's not to say that it's all your parents' fault, but your early family experiences are the first place to look for answers. Because our earliest lessons in love are how we were loved, by our parents, and what we saw love to be - for most of us how we witnessed and experienced our parents' relationship functioning, day to day.

And this doesn't have to mean it was bad or abusive. It doesn't mean they didn't love you, but it might mean that something was out of balance.

Because ultimately long-term committed relationships are a never-ending balancing act. If one person feels that they always get what they want, then things are out of balance and in the long term that leads to hurt and resentment.

What that balance looks like for each of us depends, but resentment is almost always the red flag.

Perhaps your experiences growing up didn't support you, or allow you, to speak up and speak your mind. Perhaps your parents weren't always great at talking things through in ways that meant they found balance.

So while you are right to think that trying to find a different kind of man to relate to is a good idea, it's also true that working on your ability to more assertively express yourself, and in doing so hold your side of the balance more firmly is also a good goal.

It's hard to do, but generally, if the kind of person you're naturally drawn to doesn't work for you, then you also have to work at being a bit more conscious and deliberate about what you seek in a partner. That's not to say you should settle for no "chemistry", but making an assessment much earlier on about their ability to tolerate you being assertive and clear on your own behalf is important.

Start as you mean to go on. Because those habits in relationships can get set very quickly and can be hard to change once they're set.

Make balance and being generous - in both directions - a priority, and discuss it early with any prospective partner, because when it comes to maintaining a relationship that works we never get there, but we can only keep trying to get it right if both parties are willing to keep talking.

And yes, therapy can help, especially if you're struggling to overcome the patterns of the past. But so can the right willing, open and committed partner.

Listen to Kyle on today's episode of the Herald's new parenting podcast One Day You'll Thank Me. Scan the QR code or go to nzherald.co.nz, iHeartRadio, Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts.