Mind Matters with Kyle MacDonald: How to tell if pornography has become an addiction

Porn becomes the easy way out for some men who are struggling to be emotionally connected and intimate with their partners. Photo / 123rf

ADVICE

Q: I'm worried my husband is addicted to porn. I've found lots of sites in his phone history, and he's lost interest in our sex life. Is it a real addiction?

A: While there is still some debate about whether it is technically an addiction, in my experience, it's very real and potentially destructive to relationships.

To be clear - this is not a moral problem. Many people - and couples - use pornography as part of a healthy sex life. But as pornography has become more accessible via our personal devices we've noticed a steady increase in people having problems managing their use.

This has occurred alongside a steady increase in how mainstream violent and graphic pornography is now. This is not your fathers "Playboy" that we're talking about.

Like any addiction, we define use as a problem if it causes demonstrable negative consequences - like interfering with your sex life and intimacy.

Long-term relationships can be hard and require ongoing work. In my experience most men who develop a compulsive pornography habit while in a relationship do so because they're struggling to stay emotionally connected and open to maintaining and building intimacy with their partners.

Porn becomes the easy out.

But it numbs us to emotional intimacy. Just like we need to drink more over time to get the same effect - what we call tolerance - people can seek out more extreme, or "hardcore" pornography over time, and numb their capacity for feelings of vulnerability and intimacy when being sexual.

We unlearn the connection between sexual excitement and vulnerability.

The good news is - like most things - if the person is willing this can be helped. But it isn't as simple as just stopping the use of pornography.

It also means dealing with the issues that make intimacy difficult in the first place and finding new ways of communicating and being close - alongside understanding why this has become difficult.

You're right to be concerned, but if he's willing he can overcome this with help from a good therapist, and some patience and support.

Q: I have a friend I can't say no to, and I'm starting to avoid them. What can I do?

A: There's no doubt some people are difficult to say no to - but let's start with you. It can be helpful to pay attention to what is making it hard - most commonly it's anxiety, but it's useful to define what it is that we're afraid of. Is it the potential for conflict, being not liked, abandoned or simply not feeling that we're worth sticking up for?

The good news is you've already spotted the main problem - resentment. Over time when we don't find ways to say no and express our own needs clearly in relationships we become resentful, and this is toxic to relationships.

So given that you're already feeling this way, what do you have to lose? You might even want to go for the most direct approach and tell them that you find it hard to say no, and you're going to be practising it more.

Q: My seven-year-old is struggling with going back to school after the recent lockdown, crying, refusing to go and getting angry. How can I help them?

A: In some ways, these shorter lockdowns have been harder - and certainly for some children - because there is less time to adjust before things quickly change again.

It's not uncommon, especially at this age, to react with strong emotions and resist that which we are feeling upset about. These disruptions can feel like "starting over" just like at the beginning of a term, or a school year. At this age a full school day can still be a push - emotionally speaking.

You can help by resourcing them with ways to soothe and settle themselves when they're at school. Find a photo of the family, or mum, that they can take to school; let them take a favourite toy to class; ease them back in by staying in class for a short time.

But above all, be kind. They're scared and upset for a reason, even if they can't tell you about it yet.