To change this, it's generally best to try to not make sex a big thing. Instead, focus on intimacy and building more closeness and connection in the relationship. What does this mean? Well, just like you would have done when you first met - make more of an effort.
Spend time together, talk and actually listen, go on dates, increase physical (non-sexual) touch, be casually naked around each other, talk with each other about what your partner does, or has done, that makes you feel loved or appreciated.
Create a positive spiral through communication and openness. And - shock horror - talk about sex. Be clear about what you want, and rather than trying to look for signals - ask.
Because while it can be difficult - or even impossible in the long term - to get our libidos in sync, it isn't going to happen by luck. Like everything else in relationships it simply requires communication and deliberate effort over time.
Q: How do you handle someone who believes their inappropriate behaviour is "everyone else's problem"?
A: We likely all know, or have known, someone who always goes out of their way to make everything everyone else's fault and it can be annoying and draining.
Ultimately, for the person reacting this way, it's a way of not feeling the vulnerability of being "wrong", because to do so is deeply distressing. Instead, they make others wrong, or "project" their feelings on to others.
Of course, it is always an option to confront them - but as this behaviour is usually a defence against difficult feelings, it's unlikely to work - we would expect the person to be more likely to blame us as a way to avoid feeling wrong.
One option is to limit our time with them, and depending on the relationship it may come to that. But first, be clear and direct about the impact it is having on you. And if they can't handle it then maybe that's their problem?
Q: I lived through the Christchurch earthquakes, and the recent earthquakes and tsunami warnings have put me right back there. What can I do to manage the anxiety?
A: Even though it can seem like a long time ago, the terrifying events in Christchurch in 2010-2011 can still seem like only yesterday to those that were there.
That's the nature of trauma, it warps time, and makes us sensitive to events that present a similar kind of threat - and of course, another earthquake dominating the news for a whole day is a very real trigger and a very real threat.
The important thing is to make sure you're compassionate towards yourself. Don't give yourself a hard time, or attack the feelings. Instead, try to take the time to feel the feelings, and respond with kindness. Take time to rest, don't push yourself, reach out for support, allow yourself to cry or express the feelings.
So while it's distressing to react this way, and no one wants to feel it, these feelings are doing their job. That is, trying to protect you.
