Mind Matters with Kyle MacDonald: Depp v. Heard case upsets domestic violence victims

It's concerning that the trial of Johnny Depp and Amber Heard has descended into a public spectacle, played out for clicks and entertainment. Photo / AP

Q: I don't know what to think about the Depp v. Heard case; what do you think? As a survivor of domestic violence, I find it upsetting all the coverage it's getting.

A: I choose not to have a view about the Depp v. Heard case - partly because the whole thing is very distressing - but regardless of the facts of this particular case, how it is being covered and talked about is really unhelpful in a myriad of ways.

The picture in New Zealand when it comes to intimate partner violence is pretty grim - about 35 per cent of New Zealand women have experienced physical and/or sexual intimate partner violence in their lifetime.

When you include psychological and/or emotional abuse that number jumps to 55 per cent. In addition, nearly 90 per cent of applications for protection orders are by women, taken out against men.

And when a person is murdered by their partner, where there is a recorded history of abuse, 98 per cent of the deceased victims are women, abused by their male partner.

So we know that overwhelmingly the victims of intimate partner violence are women. Does this mean that women are not violent towards men? No, it never has. When relationships are marred by violence and out of control behaviour then all sorts of things can happen.

But we also recognise that in abusive relationships the violence is only one aspect of power and control, and when that is central to the relationship then it leads to escalation, violence and explosions of dangerous, destructive behaviour.

To put it another way, in the overwhelming majority of violent relationships, men who point at their partner and claim they are the ones being abusive are doing so to minimise their own abusive actions.

Does that mean men are never the victims of an abusive relationship? No. Does it mean women are never violent? No, of course not. But the facts don't lie. This type of situation is an extreme outlier.

But back to the case at hand. My concern is the narrative seems to have descended into a public spectacle, played out for clicks and entertainment, and the need for people to pick "sides" and proclaim who they "believe", or not.

It's worth pausing and thinking about whether having a public conversation about whether we "believe" victims of intimate partner violence is a helpful conversation for anyone living in a violent situation to overhear or be subjected to.

Because these sorts of stories, as you rightly feel, can be deeply upsetting. Even more so for people who may be trying to move past their own abusive relationship, or are currently living in one.

When we trivialise and turn the situation into a water cooler conversation we simply don't know who is listening, and who's being harmed by our public proclamations of being on one team or another, or "believing' one person's testimony, or not.

Because we also know 87 per cent of New Zealand women who have experienced violence in their relationships never report it to the police.

Why? Because many of them fear they won't be believed. Or that their male partner will continue to use the power and resources they have, and have likely kept from them in one way or another, to persecute them beyond the bounds of the relationship.

Like suing for defamation on a world stage maybe, when - regardless of the history between you - you could have just walked away and got on with your very privileged life.

How to get help

If you're in danger now:

• Phone the police on 111 or ask neighbours or friends to ring for you.

• Run outside and head for where there are other people. Scream for help so your

neighbours can hear you.

• Take the children with you. Don't stop to get anything else.

• If you are being abused, remember it's not your fault. Violence is never okay.

Where to go for help or more information:

• Women's Refuge: Crisis line - 0800 REFUGE or 0800 733 843 (available 24/7)

• Shine: Helpline - 0508 744 633 (available 24/7)

• It's Not Ok: Family violence information line - 0800 456 450

• Shakti: Specialist services for African, Asian and Middle Eastern women and children. Crisis line - 0800 742 584 (available 24/7)

• Ministry of Justice: For information on family violence

• Te Kupenga Whakaoti Mahi Patunga: National Network of Family Violence Services

• White Ribbon: Aiming to eliminate men's violence towards women

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