Mind Matters with Kyle MacDonald: Covid 19 Delta talk is making our children anxious

Approach the anxiety to walk in public spaces as a solvable challenge, and reward any willingness or achievements. Photo / 123rf

ADVICE

Q: My 10-year-old grandson has become extremely anxious over the past few weeks about the spread of the Delta virus within Auckland. He is refusing to walk in public spaces now, even though we have made sure to remain at a good distance from any other walkers.

We're very concerned about how to reassure him that walking in the fresh air at a good distance from others, and his inevitable return to school, will not endanger himself or his immediate family. (All our adult family members are double vaccinated.)

How might we be able to help and reassure him please?

A: Managing the understandable fear so as to maintain the appropriate caution - versus regulating the anxiety that can easily spiral out of control in response to the pandemic - is the central emotional challenge of living through Covid.

And it's hard enough for us adults, let alone for our little ones.

So the first task as parents - and as grandparents - is to ensure that we're doing all we can to regulate our own emotions, and keeping our own anxiety in check. Children are like emotional sponges, and they pick up on our own tension and worries, even if we think we're hiding it from them.

So if you're struggling with worry yourself, or the other adults in his life are, then take some steps to manage this.

It's also really important to make sure we're checking ourselves around the conversations about the virus that we might have around our kids, and that we're being thoughtful about the kind of information they're getting from various media about the outbreak.

Limit their access to news, via the TV or radio - and perhaps keep them away from the daily 1pm briefings.

Children don't have the same ability as us to process and understand the risks, and talk of rising infections, hospitalisations and death can be really scary.

On the other hand, it is important to provide him with good information, at his level, about how as a family you are safe and will continue to be safe. Give him good information about how masks work (try and blow out a candle while wearing one) and how your family is safe because you're vaccinated.

Alongside all this, make sure you validate his fears. They're real - the problem isn't that he's fearful, the problem is that the volume of the feelings is too loud. And when feelings get really big, they make it hard to act.

Fear makes us freeze. Because of this, pushing someone when they feel fearful naturally makes them dig their toes in. Whatever you do, he has to want to do it.

So take your time - it's not a race. Unfortunately, it looks like we may have some time to be able to work through the anxiety and manage an in-person social (and school) life again.

There are lots of excellent basic relaxation and breathing exercises online, and I'd suggest doing these with him, to help him learn the skills of slow and deep breathing to turn down the volume of the feelings.

And figure out what some small attractive rewards might be for him. Approach the anxiety as a solvable challenge, and reward any willingness or achievements.

If none of this works, if he's unwilling to try, or if his anxiety continues to get worse, then it might be time to consider seeing a therapist. Most services are available remotely under level 3 restrictions.

But overall, keep being kind. Not just because it's the right thing to do, or because you're his grandparent, but because it's important that he keeps learning to be kind and patient with his own feelings and worries. And the way he learns that at age 10 is by how others react to his feelings.