Mike King's highway

Mike King's extensive Laugh Out Loud tour - co-starring fellow Auckland comedian Radar - has been packing them in nationwide. Here, he gives us a look at his on-the-road journal.

One: Whangarei

Our first day on the road, Radar and I travel to Whangarei in a flash 2000 V8 Grand Jeep Cherokee (sponsor-supplied). It really is a pleasure to drive although Radar does look a little green around the gills and at times he screams like a girl ... it is only later I realise he is actually singing.

First show is sold out. The whanau all come back to my and Radar's room for a feed and a few drinks. Paul [the promoter] is amazed that I have so many rellies, but it is the Chinese ones that truly amaze him. He is even more surprised when he gets the room-service bill, and then finds out they all left wearing the official Mike King merchandise. Radar said my aunties were very friendly.

Day Two: Whangarei

What's left of the merchandise is moved to Paul's room and we are no longer allowed room service. We need a full house to recover the money we spent last night. On the positive side we see hundreds of Maori kids and a small Chinese boy running around town looking like little Mike King dolls, which should do sales the world of good. It doesn't make Paul feel any better.

Day Three: Rotorua

Radar has taken to walking around our room naked, which is very disconcerting for Paul. However, after 13 years in the merchant navy, I find it strangely comforting. Radar has also announced that he is on a strict diet and fitness regime with the intention of losing 20 kilos. He goes for a swim in Lake Rotorua and draws a big crowd - apparently they thought he was an albino sea-lion.

Day Seven: Te Araroa

We call in to Te Wha O Rerekohu Area School (try saying that when ya pissed). This is a total-immersion school, which is very disconcerting for me as the only two languages I can speak are English and profanity. I muddle my way through and the kids seem to enjoy my talk, although they didn't laugh that much. Radar on the other hand received the biggest laugh all day without saying anything. Paul told him to put his clothes back on.

Day Nine: Wairoa

We have encountered a strange phenomenon in all rural areas of New Zealand: four-wheel-drives with mud on them and big farmer types driving them. Not a Remuera slapper to be seen anywhere. We are honoured with the presence of the Mayor of Wairoa, Derek Fox, who liked the fact that I owned a white guy (Radar) and is thinking of making it Party Policy. We have hired our own chef. His name is the Colonel and he does lovely fried chicken. Radar's diet is not going so well, and he insists on drinking only imported European beer - he says that because it is European it must be slimming.

Day Ten: Hastings

A persistent heckler in the crowd doesn't seem to want to be quiet and is proving to be something of a distraction. I invite him down onto the stage, where he begins to abuse the audience. I grab the microphone back and usher him from the stage, whereupon a bottle is hurled at him from the gods, which should have been a warning to him. He returns to his seat and begins heckling again, with the result that six of the biggest, blackest Maori sheilas get up and give him a right slapping. And where was Radar during all of this? Was he throwing himself in front of me for protection? No, he was backstage filming himself becoming acquainted with a very sexy 18-year-old local woman. I wasn't very impressed. Neither was her father, who happened to be the policeman who was called in to quell the incident, and to sort out the fight.

Day Eleven: Masterton

After waiting for Radar to finish in court we head to Masterton. Radar is now using our radio interviews to announce to all and sundry that he is available for special entertainment of the more attractive wahines in the province. So far the phone has only rung once and her name was Daryl. Radar hasn't returned her call.

Day Thirteen: Blenheim

We are in the wine-making capital of the country, and you would think that you could get a cheap glass of wine. I ask for a white wine and the guy comes back with a glass and says that it will be $13.50. I am stunned! What the hell is it, I ask. He says it's chardonnay. I say, I didn't ask for that - I asked for a glass of chardon ... eh. And for $13.50 you better be bringing me the whole case.

Day Fifteen: Greymouth

I go to a cafe and ask for a chardonnay. The proprietor says, "Mate, we don't serve any of that poofter Auckland coffee here - it's Bushells or nothing."

Radar proceeds to fell a couple of natives, which greatly upsets the local menfolk who don't like strange little men from Auckland interfering with their womenfolk. Especially if they look like gay hillbillies as Radar does.

Something is wrong with the water here - it tastes salty, as if someone took it out of the river at high tide and not low tide, it tastes like man-juice, at least that's what Radar reckons.

Day Seventeen: Oamaru

The grand jeep Cherokee has turned into the vehicle from hell. Not many Maori own $90,000 cars in the South Island, and we are being pulled up by every redneck cop we pass.

The hotel room has adult-themed movies, but they cost $16 to view. They do, however, have free, 30-second previews. Radar is ecstatic - he reckons 30 seconds is all he needs.

Day Twenty One: Christchurch

I fly from Invercargill to Christchurch and leave Radar to drive the jeep. He arrives looking exhausted with two stunning Swedish hitchhikers in tow. Sven and Erik turn out to be lovely guys and Paul has them selling the merchandise.

Day Twenty Nine: Tauranga

As we write this we are just about to finish the final mopping-up operation in Thames and Putaruru. The stories we have heard in the media about the cash-rich provinces are indeed true, and as patriotic Aucklanders we have done our best to redistribute that provincial wealth back to Auckland where it belongs. It makes us feel good to be doing our bit for the economy.

* Mike King and Radar are at Hamilton's Founders Theatre on Friday, April 6, and Auckland's St James Theatre on Saturday and Sunday, April 7 and 8.