“I think men are more romantic than they’re often given credit for,” one expert said. Photo / 123RF
The question of whether men are more romantic may depend on how you define romanticism.
The question:
Is it true that men are more romantic than women?
The science:
Hollywood has made men the embodiment of romance in heterosexual relationships. But whether men are more romantic in real life may depend on how you define romanticism, as well as the cultural, societal and other expectations that may influence romantic behaviours, some experts said.
In American culture, there is often an expectation that men plan and pay for the date, buy the flowers and pull out the chair, said Justin Garcia, executive director of the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University.
“Even as we’ve seen more gender egalitarian tendencies in dating,” he added, there are “still a lot of gender norms around that. It makes it, in many ways, appear like men do more romantic things because they’re expected to.”
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Expectations aside, “I think men are more romantic than they’re often given credit for,” said Garcia, an evolutionary biologist and sex researcher.
Research has not suggested that men may be more romantic than women across the board. But in a 1989 study that developed the romantic beliefs scale, which is widely used in research to measure how strongly someone agrees or disagrees with romantic ideas such as love at first sight, researchers noted that generally, men were more likely than women to endorse the ideology of romanticism and hold romantic beliefs.
Other research suggests that men have a tendency to strive harder to establish romantic relationships and benefit more from them, to be the first to say “I love you” and to suffer more from love lost. Many studies are limited in that they are self-reported surveys, represent smaller subsets of the overall population and often focus on heterosexual relationships.
In examining numerous psychological and sociological studies on gender differences in relationships, researchers noted last year that one possible explanation may be that men tend to rely more on their significant others for emotional support and are less likely to seek it outside of their romantic relationships.
A 2021 survey reported that men are significantly less likely than women to share their personal feelings or receive emotional support from a friend.
Despite the research suggesting that men tend to hold more romantic ideals, women are often perceived in society as more romantic, said Gwendolyn Seidman, a professor of psychology at Albright College. Seidman said this may be because women tend to view themselves as being connected to their romantic partners, crave more closeness and connection in romantic relationships, and put more effort into maintenance - thinking about the relationship, seeking social support and initiating discussions about the relationship, one study suggested.
Technically, “that’s different from being romantic,” Seidman said.
In relationship research, romanticism refers to general beliefs about love, rather than actions taken within romantic relationships, Seidman said. “Believing in love at first sight or that we all have only one true love doesn’t relate to how much effort you put into your actual relationship day in and day out,” she said.
While there are notable differences in how men and women think about, approach and engage in romantic relationships, it is important to remember that romanticism may mean different things to different couples, some experts said.
What matters is that both men and women tend to want the same things out of their relationships, said Paul Eastwick, a professor of psychology at the University of California at Davis.
“The same things that make men happy are going to be the same things that make women happy - having somebody who has your back, somebody you can go to when you’ve had successes, be with you when times are hard, somebody who’s exciting and makes you laugh,” he said. “There is not a shred of evidence that men and women differ in the extent to which they care about those things.”
In the spirit of Valentine’s Day, The Washington Post asked readers to share stories about a significant other’s most romantic gesture, and we were swept away by them.
Here are some of our favourites, lightly edited for style and clarity:
“My boyfriend has to ship out for two months. He made the most adorable handmade cards for each week he’s gone, based around inside jokes, favourite memories, etc. He also got me a piece of jewellery referencing my favourite song for our anniversary (Call It What You Want by Taylor Swift).” - Allie Young, 19, Massachusetts
“Joining me on trips to see my father in hospice states away. It’s not a romantic gesture as people might think, but is an act of support and love - love for me, for our relationship, for my family, and for my dad. She has also willingly given up our date nights so we can take my dad’s wife out to dinner … her love extends to everyone she knows and meets, and that is the most wildly romantic thing I could ever imagine!” - Jonathan Cooper, 50, Pennsylvania
“With finals looming last semester, seasonal depression slowly started to get to me, and anyone who came into my dorm room could tell. Clothes piled high on the floor, and the pile on my twin sized bed often toppled into its companion pile. I did not have the motivation to do anything about it. But I came back one day to a clean room. My boyfriend had texted my roommate who let him in. He folded my clothes and hung my pants up on hangers in my wardrobe. It truly is the small things.” - Zachary Clifton, 19, Connecticut
“In fourth grade, a quiet, slender, blond little boy moved from California to our small Arkansas town. When Valentine’s rolled around that first year he was there, among the store-bought cards I received was a red homemade Valentine. It opened to reveal a hand-drawn and coloured Queen of Hearts playing card. Across the Valentine was written, ‘You are the Queen of Hearts in my life.’ It was from that adorable new boy, Jonathan. I was overwhelmed and showed the Valentine to my family. I wanted so badly to tell him that I had a huge crush on him, too, but I was too bashful. I never said a word about it or how I loved it to him. We both graduated, went to separate colleges and married other people. I kept Jonathan’s Valentine well into my 30s. Jump to my 25-year class reunion: I was divorced, and Jonathan showed up, in the midst of a divorce. We had not seen each other since graduation night. The first thing I asked him was, ‘Do you remember that Valentine you gave me in fourth grade?’ He did. We got married two years later and have been married for 11 years now. He is my forever Valentine.” - Mary Katherine Foy, 56, Texas
The bottom line:
While some research suggests that there is a greater tendency for men to hold certain romantic beliefs such as love at first sight, romanticism is significantly influenced by cultural, societal, generational and individual relationship dynamics, experts said.
'I will make it my life’s work to banish it, to the depths of hell.'