OPINION:
When a child goes to sleep only if you play Gorillaz' Kids with Guns 14 times while rocking him at precisely 106bpm, your evenings will never be the same again. When a child, nappy-free and proud, leaves an extra present under a table at a posh wedding, your social life will never be the same again. And when a child stumbles bleary-eyed into your bedroom and says, quite angrily, "Daddy, dop doing dat to Mummy," well, that's your sex life in the bin as well.
Do I regret having children? I'm trying to consider the question but I can't because Child B has just had a very long shower, deliberately leaving Child A without hot water because an argument about phone chargers has survived the night. Child C is saying he can't go to school because his phantom sore arm has returned. Do I regret hav … "Take your wellies off before you go upstairs!" Do I reg … "Who used all the milk?" Do … "How am I supposed to wash your games kit if you've left it in your bag?"
A scurrilous YouGov survey reveals that 1 in 12 parents — 8 per cent — regret having children. A further 6 per cent say they did regret it but don't now. How did those parents have time to complete a survey? How many of the 11 in 12 without regrets are lying?
The truth is that life is about two thirds as awful as a parent than it was when you weren't one. The awfulness does ebb and flow. The early years are physically relentless — the newest family members can't speak, they are wildly incontinent and they have an Eddie the Eagle sense of self-preservation. There are a few weeks in the middle that are delightful — the children are full of wonder, they want to help with the cooking, they can do up their own seatbelts. But then come the teenage years …