The lowest rung are the dirty The Steve Jobbers. Named after the Apple founder who abandoned his daughter Lisa at birth, shirking his responsibilities and denying paternity in the face of irrefutable DNA evidence. The Steve Jobbers leave you high and dry wallowing in a state of slight illness. They don’t reach out in any way. Not even a text or a cheeky DM.
Steve Jobs eventually reached out to his daughter, apologising for his neglectful behaviour, bringing her into his life and leaving her many millions in his will, proving there is always a way back for this cohort.
The Liz Holmers. Named after the recently imprisoned founder of Theranos, Elizabeth Holmes, who claimed to be working to make healthcare more accessible with hi-tech blood testing machines. She was actually lying to investors, putting sick people at risk, and doing it all for her own personal benefit.
In the case of the semi-unwell, the Liz Holmers are the people who express faux concern. They message but only to curry favour, look good or because they want something for themselves. One friend, texted, “Hope you are feeling ok brother”, followed a minute later by, “cool if I borrow your mics, I don’t need to see you, I’ll just come in and out downstairs and grab them, I have the door code”.
The first message was only sent to grease the wheels for the requests. Classic case of faux concern. Classic Liz Holmer. Bring the mics back you bastard.
The LeBrons. Named after the most consistent basketball player ever, having won four championships across three teams and the highest scorer in NBA history. When you are slightly below the weather, as I am, the LeBrons text or call every day to make sure you are doing okay — some twice a day. The regularity makes it clear they love you.
The Bernie Madoffs. This group got their name from the evil American fraudster. A man who promised a lot which he never intended to deliver. Bernie was arrested in December 2008 for operating the largest Ponzi scheme in history. If you are at home with a brief isolating sniffle, the Madoffs are the people who promise the world.
They tell you they are going to the supermarket to get you supplies, that a care package is coming your way, and that they will pick up your kids from sports practice. Then they don’t. It’s a nice gesture that makes both parties feel good at the time but is ultimately as empty and cynical as Bernie’s philanthropy. In 2021, Madoff died in a federal prison at 82.
The Willie Apiatas. Named after the former corporal in the New Zealand Special Air Service who received the Victoria Cross for bravery under fire after carrying a badly wounded comrade across a deadly battlefield to safety. This is the kind of person that comes through for a fallen comrade.
The Apiatas are those who not only say they are going to bring you things but actually deliver. I received three of these. Home-made cooking, many delicious hydrating sports drinks and a rejuvenating bottle of vodka. These great New Zealanders are the best of us.
Three days after my positive test I earned myself a negative, but more importantly, my downtime gifted me some deep insights into my friends and family. Next time someone you care about gets a little unwell and has to stay home, don’t be a Jobber or a Holmer - be a Willie. They will love you forever.
