Matt Heath: The different types of gift-givers at Christmas

Watch closely this Christmas and see what kind of givers are lurking at present time.

Christmas Day is over for another year.

I hope you got everything you wanted and deserved.

While we all know Christmas isn’t about receiving, there are also shocking gift-giving ways that need to be outed. You can be perfectly happy with a present and at the same time know exactly what the giver is up to. As the great 17th century French tragedian Pierre Corneille put it: “The manner of giving is worth more than the gift”.

This Christmas, you may have noticed some of the following types operating within your family and friend groups.

The Naked Gun - Named after the series of movies in which Detective Frank Drebin knew absolutely nothing about what was going on. Despite having their name all over the present, this type of gifter’s only involvement is financial. They are just as surprised as the kids when the wrapping comes off. The Naked Gun’s ignorance remains secret as long as no questions about the gift come his or her way.

The Improver - Uses Christmas to send a message to friends and family. Common gifts from the improver include underarm deodorant, gym memberships and nose hair clippers.

The Saint - Gives presents that are so unimaginably thoughtful they leave you wracked with guilt when you give them socks for the 10th year in a row.

The One-Shop Wonder - Every present this group puts under the tree has been bought in a hurry from the same place.

The Christmas Greenwasher - This gifter can’t be bothered shopping so instead wraps up a bunch of stuff they don’t want from around their house. They hide under the cloak of sustainability, delivering what can best be described as a low-effort cop-out. “Why buy new stuff,” they preach, “when we can reuse,” which is really just a convenient way to get rid of a half-burned candle from last year. Far from saving the planet, this type of gifter is using your tree as a refuse transfer centre.

The Raw Dogger - Turns up with an unwrapped last-minute present, usually from the local dairy. Hands you a can and whispers nervously: “I know you like drinks, so I got you a Red Bull”. If pushed the Raw Dogger may attempt to Greenwash their crimes with statements like, “No need to destroy more trees with wrapping”.

The Apologiser - Has no confidence in what they are giving and, as a result, apologises right through the unwrapping process.

The Self-Saucer - This clever Christmas operator only gives items they want to use themselves. Golf clubs, mags for the car. It’s a high-risk manoeuvre. Homer Simpson tried this on Marge in Season 1 of The Simpsons. She called his bluff, took up bowling lessons and came close to having an affair with her handsome French instructor Jacques. Just desserts for the Self-Saucer.

The ATM - Money straight into the bank account, no Christmas card, no fuss, just cash.

The Taskmaster - Strictly functional gift-giving. Only things that can be used around the house. An ironing board, a vacuum cleaner.

The Library - Always a book. Never one you would want to read.

The Martyr - Spends the entire unwrapping process and beyond telling you how much trouble they’ve had finding your present. It’s a praise extraction scam. A classic bait and switch to get all the attention around the tree.

The Hail Mary - Operates in the realm of low-cost gifts that could pay out big. Scratchies, Lotto tickets, TAB bets. A zero-effort gifter hiding behind the dream of something wonderful.

The Catherine Zeta-Jones - Named after the Welsh actress’s character in the 1999 caper film Entrapment. These gifters advocate for a no-present Christmas and then turn up with gifts for all, leaving everyone else feeling simultaneously guilty and betrayed.

Christmas will be back before you know it. When it returns, keep an eye out for the aforementioned groups of gifters. Spotting a Raw Dogger, One-Shop Wonder or Self-Saucer in action is just as fun as getting something you actually wanted. Happy Holidays.