While I find the thought of climbing into a shower to cry or because you can’t be bothered working pretty depressing, others disagree. A texter to my radio show claimed crying under a flow of water was one of the great joys in her life.
However you feel about the ‘nothing shower’ it is far from the worst crime people commit in the bathroom. I have seen some terrible stuff in my time.
The Chair
In a flatting situation, the shared power bill is a lightning rod for financial disputes. Using clothes dryers and fan heaters, and long showers, are famous wattage-sucking activities. When you see a flatmate heading into the bathroom with a chair, you know you are going to pay for it. You don’t take something to sit on if you are in a hurry.
Many years ago, in a flat in Dunedin, I came home from university, opened the bathroom door and found something disgusting. A flatmate naked in the shub sitting on a plastic chair. An investigation revealed this guy was hammering the power bill with daily seated 45-minute mid-afternoon showers. Taking a chair into the shower is a crime.
The Sandwich
Bread crumbs have no place in a shower cubicle. If you see them in your bathroom, you have likely been infiltrated by a disgusting bathroom eater. In the early 2000s, I flatted with one of these perverts in Grey Lynn. The dude loved to eat in the shower. He would make his meals, especially to take them into the bathroom with him.
I later found out after grilling his girlfriend that he would hold the sandwich in one hand and lean his face out of the water to eat it. Generally, in the course of several sandwiches, he would miss time things and drench his food under the flow. Gross. Eating in the shower is a crime.
The Flood
This crime is most commonly committed by teenage boys. But people of all ages will do it. Maybe it’s bad shower door technique, failure to use a bathroom mat or just exiting the shower at pace with the water still flowing, but some people manage to flood the bathroom every time they clean themselves. This is bad for a number of reasons. Not only does it drastically increase the risk of slipping over and cracking your head open on the sink, it also sets up a minefield for anyone heading into the bathroom in their socks after you. Flooding the bathroom is a shower crime.
The Dumper
When you are staying in a hotel, feel free to hiff your towel on the bathroom floor post-shower. But in a communal living situation, it’s a highly disrespectful way to behave. The towel rail is there for a reason. They don’t dry in a big bunch on the floor. It’s a massive F you to everyone else. You are expecting other people to clean up after you. Dumping towels is a shower crime.
The Smoker
This one is self-explanatory. Standing in the shower with one hand out of the water, holding a cigarette. It takes serious co-ordination because smokes don’t work when they are wet. It’s easier to do with a vape but equally unnecessary. A flatmate I had in the late 90s, would stub his cigs out on in the shower caddy. Smoking and vaping in the shower is a crime.
Several people are talking about the ‘nothing shower’ online; while it may be a sad, pathetic, unproductive activity, it’s not a crime. Not like shower chairs, sandwiches, flooding, towel dumping, and smoking are. These things need to stop. Let’s stick to using showers the way god intended, for cleaning ourselves, making soapy love or when you are getting ready for a night out - drinking beers.
