Matt Heath: My week pioneering the no food at all diet

Revolutionary way of losing weight turns out a roaring success.

As we all know, it is impossible to control yourself at a breakfast buffet. I've just spent two weeks at a hotel where each morning I piled my extra-large plate with bacon, sausages, buttery toast, beans and eggs of all three kinds. Which is fine, it's the seconds and thirds that take their toll.

I put on some serious weight. So did my mate, Jerry. He decided to combat his gains with a soup and chocolate diet. As much of either as you want but nothing else. The weight just fell off the man - 3kg in a week. Being the competitive type I vowed to lose more than he did. So I've invented the NO FOOD AT ALL DIET™.

To give you an insight into this revolutionary new technique, I recorded diary entries into my phone across a foodless week. Things got a bit hairy at times so please excuse the random nature of the following notes.

Monday
Weight - 89.8kg

5.10am: Bit dusty from drinks with the Mrs. Put four slices of bread in the toaster then remembered I was on the NO FOOD AT ALL DIET™. Chucked them in the bin and had three glasses of tasteless, boring water. 5.42am: On the way to work feeling weak and sad. This is going to be hard. 12.50pm: Two glasses of water for lunch. Violently angry hungry now. 6.30pm: One water and two beers (they're allowed). I'm back. This thing might work. 9.20pm: Good night. Great day. Looking forward to weigh in tomorrow.

Down a kg since yesterday. Bloody good but feel very angry and sad about nothing at all. Fried an egg just to sniff it.

Tuesday
Weight - 90.1kg

5.12am: How the hell do you put on 200g without eating? What kind of metabolism can gain weight with no food going in? 5.30am: Three glasses of water for breakfast. Yuck. 5.45am: Driving to work feeling light-headed. Probably shouldn't be driving and recording into phone. 11.45am: Two beers for lunch. So hungry. Why am I doing this? It's a total punisher. 3.20pm: Stole a ham and cheese croissant from co-worker's desk. Unwrapped it. Sitting here sniffing it. 4.05pm: Rewrapped and returned croissant uneaten. 5.20pm: Two glasses of beer and a buttery chards for dinner. Delicious. 11.45pm: Just finished three hours online Black Ops 3. Kicked some arse. Feeling great.

Wednesday
Weight - 89.2kg

5.09am: Down a kg since yesterday. Bloody good but feel very angry and sad about nothing at all. Fried an egg just to sniff it. 6.23am: Couldn't find keys or bag. Couldn't even find our bathroom for a bit. Ubering to work. Took ages to remember address to tell driver. 11.20am: Four glasses of grim water. 2.30pm: Realised I forgot to shower, brush teeth or apply deodorant this morning. Stinky, forgetful, angry man. 7.20pm: So tired and sore can't get up off the couch.

Thursday
Weight - 88.1kg

5.11am: Woke up in my clothes and shoes on the sofa after 11 hours' sleep. Legs not working very well when I try to stand up. 5.33am: Watching the new series of Late Night Big Breakfast from the floor. Very funny. Strangely emotional. Need water. 11.30am: Someone's birthday in the office. There's cake. Mustn't have any. 11.35am: Really want the cake. Really want those sausage rolls. Little pies. 11.45am: F&%K the NO FOOD AT ALL DIET™. Ate two large slices. Lemon icing. Amazing. Salt and vinegar crisps too. A whole bag. 12.30pm: Cheeseburger and fries. Very full. 5.33pm: Oven-baked pizza and chips. Will get back off the food tomorrow.

Friday
Weight - 88.6kg

5.07am: Baked beans on toast with a huge amount of cheese grated on top. Feeling great. No more food for the rest of the day. 11.50am: Steak, eggs and chips. 5.03pm: Supermarket roast chicken and buttered bread. 6.20pm: Taking the kids out for ice cream. Triple scoop. Mint, mango, tutti frutti. 3.34am: In the bathroom. Been here for an hour. Guts really hurt. Sweating like a pig. That's the diet completed.

Results

The NO FOOD AT ALL DIET™ was a huge success. I lost more than 2kg in five days. With just a few minor side effects. Primarily forgetfulness, bouts of baseless rage and creeping sadness. It may have created an uncontrollable food lust. Stomach still hurts. Give it a go.

Conclusion

I wish I had a breakfast buffet at my house.