Matt Heath: It's going to be a right Christmas in winter

None of that good proper Christmas stuff happens here. Stupidly our mid-winter feast occurs mid-summer. Photo / Thinkstock

The food and songs don’t make sense over a barbie at the beach.

When is the council, Government, SIS and NZ judiciary going to wake up and move Christmas Day into winter where it belongs?

Yuletide is the most wonderful time of year. Chestnuts roasting on an open fire, we can build snowmen and sleigh bells and sing "jing' jing' jingling, let it snow! let it snow! let it snow".

Except, as we all know, none of that good proper Christmas stuff happens here. Stupidly our mid-winter feast occurs mid-summer. Drastically lowering the relevance and emotional impact of Christmas movies, songs and sitcom specials. In short we don't experience Christmas like it's meant to be experienced. Like the Keatons, Simpsons and Huxtables experienced it. (I'm referring only to Claire, Theo, Rudy, Denise and Vanessa. Heathcliff is dead to me.)

Sure we have our own style. As Dennis Marsh sings in his slap bass friendly Christmas in New Zealand: "Barbecues and swimming out across the bay, How lovely to spend Christmas in the Kiwi way". It's a lie. That's a great way to spend a summer holiday but a substandard way to spend Christmas. It's a bastardisation of proper winter Christmas culture.

Admittedly Auckland isn't likely to achieve the winter wonderland of Home Alone. But we might get hail in the right season. It kind of sleeted in July 2011.

Whatever time it occurs the true meaning of Christmas should be passed down. That's why I force my kids to watch Christmas movies. Elf, Die Hard and Die Hard 2. Our house has The Absolute Best Christmas Album on repeat all December. Fairytale of New York, Happy Xmas (War Is Over), Here Comes Santa Claus and the worst song ever recorded, Paul McCartney's Simply having a wonderful Christmas time. We enjoy them all.

I still love the excitement of going to bed knowing Santa is coming. The weird magical joy of waking up to a stuffed stocking at the end of my bed. I know it's my girlfriend doing it. I'm not stupid, but it's still a buzz.

Christmas is great It's just not meant for summer. Luckily our great country is blessed with four seasons. So why not put Christmas in the cold one where it belongs?

Some will claim the 25th is Jesus' birthday and can't be moved. But no one knows the date of his birth. Nowhere in the Bible does it say "Mary wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger it twas the 25th December 0000".

It does mention "and there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field". In Jesus, Joseph's and Mary's days the flocks were a spring to autumn operation. Which isn't their December.

If the Bible doesn't know the actual date of the birth why not follow The Family Ties, 'A Keaton Christmas Carol'. That great sitcom special made it very clear that Christmas occurs when it's cold outside.

The Kiwi end of the year is clogged with celebration. October has Halloween. In November we blow up the neighbourhood for Guy Fawkes. December we celebrate New Year's. Do we really need Christmas in the middle of that? Imagine hitting the 31st, fresh and ready to party. Instead of tired, stressed, fat and still drunk from the 25th. Why not give Christmas the space to shine in a winter setting? The light in the dark months it's designed to be.

You're probably thinking "shut up dick". If you want to celebrate Christmas in winter do it. No one's stopping you. True. But Christmas is no fun unless everyone does it at the same time. I can't decorate the whole city. I don't programme the Christmas movies and I'm not in charge of supermarket playlists. Most of all I don't want my kids to feel left out like my Jehovah's Witness mate Rory.

One Christmas I looked up from my presents to see him peering through the window with tears in his eyes. I can't put my kids through that level of festive FOMO.

Imagine the joy of a New Zealand-wide winter Christmas. The movies would make sense, the songs would make sense and the food would make sense. Christmas was invented for midwinter. A hearty feed in the cold. It was never meant for the beach.

So let's forget about John Key's $26 million flag referendum and instead spend the money moving Christmas to winter. Who's with me?