Matt Heath: Got kids? Fat chance of evading the big dad gut

Red Dwarf Arnold J Rimmer. Photo / Supplied

Leftovers, fast food and sweet things - the temptations are great

I was standing in the shower the other day staring down at my fat tummy, coming up with ways to make it smaller. Running through the usual plans - exercise, calorie-counting, zero carbs, paleo, no sugar. Then it struck me that whatever I plan, I won't actually do. No matter how brilliant the weight-loss scheme, I won't do it. I could buy another gym membership, bike, salad or tub of protein but it won't help. I'll be back to being a bit fat soon enough.

I'm with Rimmer from Red Dwarf. Most Kiwi men of my age are far too busy with work and family to pull off weight loss.

We don't have the spare time required to not be fat bastards. There comes a time when you just have to accept you're going to be a bit of a lardarse for the rest of your life.

But who's to blame? Not you or me. We are just trying to get by the best we can. Our fatness can't be pinned on us. It's not your wife or girlfriend's fault, generally they seem to be able to look after their weight. That leaves one other group: Your children.

The reason you are fat is because you reproduced. Obviously, if you're a woman you're going to get a bit fat during pregnancy. For men, fatness creeps in between the fourth and 20th trimesters.

Children are great and we love them dearly, but once you have them you have absolutely no chance of trimming down.

1 Kids eat all the time. They have delicious dinners like sausages and spaghetti on toast. They never finish these dinners. There's always delicious meat and mashed potatoes left.

It's impossible for a man not to lay into their leftovers. They're just sitting there. Even if you decided to go full paleo for your dinner, you're still going to end up eating the five bits of toast and half a dozen fish fingers left on the table.

2 Kids love fast food. You're driving around, you see a burger joint, and you talk yourself out of going.

Then the kids pipe up in the back seat with that song: "McDonald's, McDonald's, Kentucky Fried Chicken and Pizza Hut, McDonald's, McDonald's, Kentucky Fried Chicken and Pizza Hut."

It tests a man's resolve. Before you know it you're feverishly upsizing in the drive-through.

3 Dining out. Children order from the kids' menu and get served first. So even if you do the right thing and order the salad instead of the chips, a small burger, Hawaiian pizza or hotdog and wedges are going to come out first.

A hungry man waiting for a meal cannot be blamed for tucking into his kids' dinner first.

4 Kids are obsessed with sweet things and bring this culture into your house. Their love of sugar reignites your love of sugar. When your child finally convinces you to get them a two-scoop cone of bubblegum and passionfruit/mango, you're not going to pass up a three-scoop of hazelnut, rum and raisin and tiramisu, are you?

Children create a culture of delicious food worship that fills your house and life with foods you're trying not to eat.

5 Kids are noisy, messy and a bit stressful. It's hard to unwind after work when your sons are jumping on the coach beside you, smashing Minecraft swords over each other's heads. You need a drink to get through. Before long you've finished a bottle of red and you're in the kitchen making a triple fried egg, chilli and chutney sandwich.

Kids bring a lot of joy to our lives. They give us purpose and understanding. They are also 100 per cent responsible for our big, fat guts. But you can't get rid of them and you wouldn't want to.

Your only option is to stop hassling yourself. Your fatness is not your fault. Blame your kids and move on.