Matt Heath: I quit coffee cold turkey. It felt like I was dying - but it was worth it

Coffee got the name 'Joe' in 1914 after the United States Secretary of the Navy, Josephus 'Joe' Daniels. Photo / 123rf

OPINION

I quit coffee cold turkey, and it knocked me on my back. It was like having the flu or being hit by a truck. I spent two days on the couch shivering, sweating, aching and whinging to anyone who would listen. My kids thought I was dying. I had no idea what was going on. Turns out the most popular drug in the world is an evil, vindictive demon. If you abandon coffee, it will hunt you down and drag you to hell.

Caffeine has many benefits, such as improved mental and physical performance, social cohesion and fat burning. It fights off some diseases and tastes delicious. It can also create a sense of impending doom in the over-consumer. If you put enough cups of Joe through your system, you can start to feel like something terrible is about to happen.

Interestingly, coffee got the name “Joe” in 1914 after the United States Secretary of the Navy, Josephus “Joe” Daniels, banned all alcohol from ships. The young men on the boats annoyed that the strongest drink available to them was coffee called it a “cup of Joe” in protest.

Like many Kiwis, my caffeine intake has been irresponsible over the past few years. I abused the drug. As a breakfast radio host, I am up at 4.30am. I’d have my first two heaped teaspoons of instant at 5am, then one at 6, 7 and 8am, followed by a powerful double shot at a cafe afterwards.

Another in the early afternoon to keep me pumping through my day’s work and another to boost me up for evening parental activities. Add a couple of Coke No Sugars and you start to get pretty alert.

A teaspoon of instant coffee typically contains 60 milligrams of caffeine, while a one-shot at a cafe may contain 140mg. Add it up, and I was slamming 800mg a day. Double the recommended limit. That will riddle you with anxiety, jitters and apocalyptic thoughts.

One morning, driving home from work, ruminating over an issue that didn’t exist, I decided things needed to change. So I stopped. I didn’t have the first coffee the following day and haven’t had one since.

This is an idiotic way to go about things. Caffeine withdrawal symptoms begin 12 to 24 hours after the last intake and can last two to nine days. You get intense headaches, brutal tiredness, punishing nausea and aching muscle pain. You can’t concentrate, you become unreasonably irritable, and you can’t stop complaining. I was forced to grab two blankies, ram the heat pump up to 24 degrees and watch the Godfather, Lord of the Rings and Dark Knight trilogies.

Now I am out the other side; things are great. A joyless hot water in a mug does the trick at work in the mornings. At cafes, I order a humiliating decaf Americano with cream. Most importantly, that sense of impending doom has gone.

I have instituted a new, healthier routine for morning alertness. I blast my eyes with a bright light the second I wake up. Your body’s internal clock is attuned to light. Darkness is an indication to sleep. Light exposure, conversely, boosts alertness. This makes sense; our ancestors slept outside and woke up to the sunlight. As a result, staring up at light wakes us up. Rolling your eyes up to look at the light.

Instead of 100 anxiety-inducing coffees a day, you can go for a ten-minute walk in the sun or stare up at your bedside light first thing. To make it more legit, as a person who has to rise before dawn, I bought a lamp that mimics natural outdoor light. It’s on a timer set to blast me right in the face as my alarm goes off. Stare up into the thing like an ancient human on the Savanna for a few minutes, and primal instincts far more potent than a couple of teaspoons of red ribbon roast take over.

If you find yourself jittery and anxious with a backdrop of irrational approaching peril, it might be your coffee intake. I suggest gradually reducing it over two to three weeks. Mix in the odd decaf. Maybe get yourself down to two a day. Do not do what I did and quit all at once, or the evil beans will come for your soul.