Matt Heath: Being a great Dad is bad for your kids

Dr Who - Peter Capaldi - obligingly sent a special message to my sons.

Opinion

The ‘hardships’ we endure in childhood can set us up for life.

You know those coffee cups that say "Best Dad in The World"? Well, I think I might actually be the best dad in the world. You might be too. Sadly, this isn't a good thing. In fact, being an amazing dad might destroy your kids' future.

The things you couldn't have as a child make you what you are. The toys you wanted but weren't given. The games you wanted to play but weren't allowed. The places you weren't allowed to go. The hardships you had to endure.

My mum was the greatest person ever to walk the Earth. I love her and miss her so much. But she used to give me the rudest hair cuts on the planet. As a result, I got regular hair-related hidings at school. I had to learn to talk fast just to survive. Now I make a living talking crap on the radio. That incredibly uncool, humiliating, massive shiny bowl-cut gifted me a career.

Your kids probably have great hair cuts. You are missing out on a motivational opportunity. Maybe you should give your son a huge, overly brushed, heavily conditioned bowl cut. You never know how that might pay off. It turned out great for me.

My two young sons are huge fans of Dr Who. Particularly the 12th doctor, Peter Capaldi. I had the great honour of interviewing the man the other day. When the interview was over I got him to record a special video message for my boys.

"Hello Chip and Buzz this is Dr Who. Your dad's brain has been invaded by aliens." It was awesome. Last year I did a similar thing with another of their heroes, Will Ferrell. It made them very happy but it's hardly leaving a massive hole in their lives that they will need to fill with hard work and toil. If you really care about your kids, you should do nothing cool for them. Create a bit of hunger for success.

I grew up on a farm with three sisters. All I wanted to do was play cricket in the backyard. All they wanted to do was not play cricket. Not having anyone to play with made me a terrible cricketer but created a life-long passion for the game. Two years ago I was selected as a commentator for the Alternative Commentary Collective. Being lonely and excluded from cricket as a child earned me a sweet job.

Nowadays, I beg my kids to play cricket on the driveway with me. They've got all the gears, a great wicket and a dad who would bowl at them for hours. This summer my 6-year-old decided he didn't want to play cricket any more. We asked him what summer sport he wanted to play and he said "snowboarding".

So he's out at Snowplanet every week. Boy we are good parents. It can't be good for them.

I have been breaking wind in my sons' faces ever since they got tall enough for me to do it. Sneaking up and blasting them. It gets a great laugh. They love it.

The other morning, I opened my eyes and my son immediately let rip right in my gob. He laughed so hard he fell off the bed. This kind of behaviour makes me proud and proves that I am a great dad, but does it help their futures?

There was no toilet humour in my house growing up. I craved it. Years later my friends and I made a TV show called Pooman and Wees. It was a huge success. If my dad had been as flatulent as I am would I have worked so hard on the Disgusting Duo show? Probably not.

We are the greatest generation of dads in the history of humanity. We are amazing. We drive our kids around. We joke with them, play video games with them. We enrol them in dozens of activities. It's all trips away, good times and no wooden spoons.

You need to knock all the fun on the head. Stop doing really cool fun things for your kid. Because it's the things you don't do for your kids that will create the passion that will make them great.

So smash your "Best Dad in the World" cup. The father who really cares drinks from the "Crap Dad" cup.