Determined to break the cycle for her tamariki, one wāhine toa turns her troubled life of addiction and trauma around by rediscovering her wairua and reclaiming her mana.
Video / Loading Docs
A new Loading Docs documentary tells the extraordinary story of Jessica Apanui (Ngāti Porou) overcoming meth addiction and reclaiming her mana. The documentary's director, Holly Beckham (Ngāpuhi, Ngāti Rangi), has an equally extraordinary story. As told to Greg Bruce. You can watch the documentary above.
HOLLY I had a good childhood. My mum did everything she could do for me. There was heaps of love and she spoiled me rotten but, unfortunately, there were just a few events that were out of her control - and out of my control. My dad passed when I was 18 months old. He had bronchiectasis, so he was always coughing blood. We were walking down the hallway, he was holding me and he collapsed. Then he started coughing up blood and there was blood everywhere. He was saying, "Go get Mum. Go get Mum, darling." And as a child, I could not comprehend what the f*** was happening. I had no idea. And I just remember sitting there, in his blood.
After that it was just me and my mum. She did everything she could do. I had a really good upbringing. We moved up to Whangārei where my nana was, so she could have more support. When I was maybe 3 or 4, I was sexually abused, which again was another thing that was out of Mum's control, out of my control. Shortly after that, I was abused again. So all these things happened to me as a child, which I guess I could not process.
I think I had my first beer when I was 12, with my grandma. She was a heavy drinker, an alcoholic. Once I had alcohol, it took everything away. All the shame, the guilt, the pain. And then at about 14 or 15, I got kicked out of school because I was drinking at school the whole time, smoking weed, finding those people that had the drugs and weed and hanging out with those people.
Jessica Apanui (left): "I didn't wake up one day wanting to be a career criminal." Photo / Dean Purcell
JESS
At intermediate, and especially college, I'd already started using drugs. I was definitely smoking marijuana by then, drinking a lot of alcohol, exploring other narcotics. And I did that because home life was tough. Don't get me wrong, there was a lot of love in my whānau, and still is to this day, but as I look back, there's a lot of intergenerational trauma.
I did witness a lot of violence, a lot of domestic violence. I lived in fear for the most part, because my dad was a very assertive man and he had no tolerance for disrespect or cheekiness and things like that. What I witnessed at home at such a young age and not only with my mum, but my father as well, we all had our fair share of trauma and suffering. Back in those days, there wasn't the support. You just had to tough it out.
Growing up, I was bullied, then I turned into the bully of the bullies. I could easily pick out who those bullies were and I just couldn't stand them. So I stuck up for a lot of people who couldn't stick up for themselves. That got me into trouble. I started mixing with the wrong crew at school, as you do, because you just want connection.
HOLLY I got to about 18 and I'd had enough. I was working as a postie and I loved it. I was always outside, had my music on, riding around the streets. And then one day it hit me that I'd had enough. I didn't want to live like this because I was just drinking and I felt like I was in a deep, dark hole. I finished my postie run, packed my bike up and decided to take my life. Somebody found me and called an ambulance. I was taken to the hospital and my time of death was called.
I had just under a year of no alcohol and drugs, with my auntie. We did a lot of self-discovery and a lot of healing. I had lost so much oxygen in my brain, I had to learn how to do simple tasks again, like balancing tasks, walking tasks, writing, movement and things like that. I'd forgotten things and I had to try to refresh my brain. So that was the first time that I probably didn't have any alcohol or drugs. And to be honest, that whole time, I f***ing hated it. I hated it because I still had that shame and guilt and all this pain inside of me that I didn't know how to get rid of. And I was just sitting with it for a whole year. After that, I moved down to Nelson, went and studied and got straight back on the drugs and alcohol, and partied hard.
Holly Beckham: "There was something special about Jess." Photo / Dean Purcell
JESS I left college when I was 15. I went to school stoned and got caught by the teachers. I'd already been in a lot of trouble at school. So Mum turned up one day and literally pulled me out of school. She threw the Yellow Pages at me and went, "Find a job." My first job was at Pak'nSave. I was on $5.10 an hour and all my wages would go on drugs. By this point, I already had access to dealers where I could buy on tick, so I was always owing. I got involved in heavier drugs, I got involved in crime, and it just escalated really quickly. That was my life for 25 years.
HOLLY I tried to take my life again and I woke up and my mum was there again. She was like, "You need help." It was kind of like, "Yeah, I do, because otherwise I'm not going to live very long." And so she followed me on the journey and helped me get help.
I had to maintenance drink, because my body had got so reliant on alcohol that if I stopped for a few hours I would seizure. I maintenance drank for about two months, and then a bed opened up for me because I was in critical need, and I went into detox. As soon as you get clean, everything crumbles on top of you. All the guilt, all the shame, it's like you just get dropped into it. I didn't know how to deal with it. So I turned to cutting. It was the only way I knew to release the pain.
Holly Beckham: "In this state of being half dead and in this calm state, I was like, 'I've got to make a documentary'." Photo / Dean Purcell
Social detox wasn't a safe environment and I ended up trying to take my life. I lay on my bed and I could feel my life slipping away. I was taking big breaths and just going into a calm kind of state. I was thinking to myself, "What would have helped me? What would have helped that little girl Holly, when I was 12, or when I was 18?" And I thought maybe if someone had shared their story about addiction, about recovery — because I didn't even know that was a thing. I was thinking, "I wish there was something like that." And then all of a sudden I was like, "You know what? I don't want to die today."
At that moment, in this state of being half-dead and in this calm state, I was like, "I've got to make a documentary." I've never made a documentary in my life. I have no idea how to make a documentary. I'm half-dead, my veins are all splitting out everywhere.
I don't remember going to hospital. I woke up three days later. I'd been in surgery. Mum was there. And from then on, I was like, "Okay, I've got to learn skills to be able to handle these emotions and deal with everything that's inside me." So I stuck with that. And I went to all the different rehabs and then got out of rehab and went straight to South Seas [Film School], to learn how to make a documentary.
JESS I didn't wake up one day wanting to be a career criminal. That was not my story. So I had to go all the way back and address all these things. The fact is that I didn't feel a part of anything. The fact is that I was raised in fear. The fact is I wasn't comfortable in my own skin. The fact is that I witnessed too much growing up, and I couldn't handle that. That's why I suppressed the pain with drugs. Then I attracted people like that, then I created a s***load of antics while I was using, and it just got worse and worse and worse. Before you knew it I was manufacturing methamphetamine. It was just absolute chaos.
Once the raid went down, I went on the run for three or four days, then returned home to face the mess. The whole house was turned upside-down. I had half an hour with my children to get it cleaned up because my mum was on her way. The cops turned up at the same time.
I went to rehab for 91 days. I was supposed to be there 126. I got discharged for lack of therapeutic progress, but I learned a lot while I was there. I went to court and got sentenced to six months' community detention - with a bracelet around my ankle - and 18 months' intense supervision. I remember the judge saying to me, pretty much, "If you stuff this one up, Jess, and you breach your conditions, there'll be no giving you another chance. You're off to jail."
So I did everything I needed to, and continued on with the journey. I was prepared to get honest with myself. What was my part to play in this situation and what were the underlying reasons why I picked up in the first place?
Jessica Apanui: "When I talk about my family and when I talk about my experience, there was still a lot of love." Photo / Dean Purcell
HOLLY There was something special about Jess and it was her energy, her energy in recovery, I didn't have that. She was thriving in life and I didn't have that. So I wanted that. And if I wanted that, if we could put that on the screen, so many other people are going to want that and follow that.
JESS Now that I'm clean and I look back at how life was and how my dad was, yes, he was a violent man back in the day. Yes, he used to use drugs. Yes, he was a drug dealer. Yes, he caused harm to a lot of people but he, too, had a big heart. He too came from a line of trauma. He too didn't know how to navigate his feelings. He too wasn't allowed to speak about it. Six siblings, low income, no shoes, standing in cow s*** to keep your feet warm, stealing the pumpkins from the local patch down the road. That's how it was. Granddad would come home with fish and chips. There wasn't enough for everybody, so my dad wouldn't eat.
When I talk about my family and when I talk about my experience, there was still a lot of love. And I think it's hard for people to comprehend that, because when you're talking about domestic violence, when you're talking about drugs and alcohol, when you're talking about parties, when you're talking about gangs, people can't seem to see how there could be love in all of that. But there was love, there was laughter, there were family days, there were sports days, there were all those sorts of things. But I think the bad can always, in any scenario in life, override the good.
This whole process around Mana Over Meth, and me returning back home — back to my whenua and restoring my mana as part of the healing process, as part of understanding who Jessica Apanui is and where she comes from — is also a gift that I pass on to my children.
That whole feeling when I put my hands into the earth on my whenua. It did something to me. You see me grabbing at the dirt and it just coming through my hands and how that made me feel. This wasn't acting. This wasn't scripted. This was a personal journey that was real in the moment, and it got captured on a camera. You know how you hear Māori always speak about returning home and what Papatūānuku can do for you, how it heals you from the inside out? I got to experience that.
