There's one dating behaviour that's an instant relationship deal breaker. Photo / 123rf
It's a dating experience that can be all too common these days.
You go on a first date and hit it off instantly, with the other person seeming completely smitten by you.
They bombard you with texts and phone calls, flowers, extravagant gifts and might even surprise you with a weekend away.
But then the gifts stop, followed by the calls and texts, as things abruptly end.
You pull your hair out wondering what has gone wrong, what you've done – until you realise you've been 'love bombed'.
What is love bombing?
"Love bombing is the over inundation of affection, grand gestures from a partner, often a new partner," Daisy Turnbull tells this week's episode of news.com.au podcast Kinda Sorta Dating.
"So it's often the first stage of a relationship and they are so into you and they might text all the time, or call all the time or want to see you all the time."
Love bombing is more than just the rush of affection you feel for your next partner – it's "one-sided" and can feel all-consuming.
It can leave you feeling confused when things don't work out, but as Turnbull reveals, it can also be the start of a toxic (or worse, controlling) relationship.
Turnbull, the daughter of former Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull, is a schoolteacher-turned-author.
Her new book 50 Questions To Ask Your Teens is a guide for parents on how to navigate the adolescence years.
Turnbull believes dating topics like love bombing should be taught in schools, telling host Jana Hocking many people would be surprised to learn which age group is at most risk of ending up in a toxic relationship.
"Teenage girls aged 16 to 25 are the biggest risk group for being victims of coercive control. And that can shock a lot of people, because when you think of coercive control you do think of physical violence and you do think of things like financial abuse," Turnbull said.
"They are things you would think are harder to do as teenagers not living together. But the emotional and the psychological abuse are definitely happening to teenagers."
Why love bombing is harmful
What made love bombing more than just a frustrating dating pattern was that it could end up making the perpetrator feel entitled as their romantic partner.
"It's about the sense of entitlement it creates," Turnbull said.
"So if you've been really affectionate or you've bought a girl lots of flowers or whatever it is and then you're thinking, 'Because I did this, she owes me.' That's where it gets a bit dangerous.
"And that's where you want to be thinking to yourself, 'Well I do really want to buy her these shoes that she liked or whatever it was, but if the next day she dumped me, I would not be resentful of that?' – and checking yourself on that."
How to stop love bombing
Turnbull believes love bombing is more common now as dating these days has less structure and "grey zones everywhere".
It can be easy to think you've simply ended up with a "good guy" who is open about his feelings towards you.
"If you are someone who has met someone who is really affectionate, it makes you go, 'Well actually this is the good guy, this is the last good guy standing and this is what is good, this is what good communication is," Turnbull said.
She advises to be "clear on your own boundaries" and if you suspect you are being love bombed, pull back.
"If you've pulled back for a bit, how do they react?" she said.
"Just say you go to a movie with friends, and you get a drink afterwards and you come out of the movie and it's three-ish hours and you've got multiple texts from them going, 'Oh where are you?' That's not good, and that's not healthy."
Sexual harm - Where to get help
If it's an emergency and you feel that you or someone else is at risk, call 111.
If you've ever experienced sexual assault or abuse and need to talk to someone, contact Safe to Talk confidentially, any time 24/7:
• Call 0800 044 334
• Text 4334
• Email support@safetotalk.nz
• For more info or to web chat visit safetotalk.nz
Alternatively contact your local police station - click here for a list.
If you have been sexually assaulted, remember it's not your fault.
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