The first year really does fly by, says this new father. Photo / Getty Images
By Liam Flanagan
I've been a father now for 12 months which means I'm qualified to tell dad jokes, put a crib together and expertly hand off my child to her mother just as I catch a whiff of a newly arrived "brown package".
And with all that experience under my belt it would be selfish, nay negligent of me to not share such wisdom.
Here are 12 lessons from Liam Flanagan's first 12 months of parenthood as told to news.com.au:
One minute you're nervously looking around as you exit the hospital holding your newborn fully expecting a doctor or nurse to come running over shouting "WAIT, YOU CAN'T TAKE THAT BABY, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING!" and the next you're sending out invitations for your child's first birthday asking friends to come and celebrate 12 months of you not knowing what you're doing.
You've scoured the baby name books, you've double checked what Beyonce and Jay Z have named their kids and you're confident that you've come up with the perfect name for your little bundle of joy that's equal part unique and interesting.
But within five minutes of announcing your new arrival and its one of a kind moniker, seven separate people will turn to you and say "Oh my friend from work just called their baby that."
For the first 12 months your baby is pretty much gender neutral, people will call it a boy, a girl, or just a baby. Don't get offended. In our ever changing spectrum filled world, chances are male and female pronouns will become a thing of the past in the not too distant future.
"Dear Diary, my baby did a poo today. It was yellow in colour and runny in consistency."
Yeah, you'll keep one of these to document your child's bowel movements and what's scarier is that while it starts out feeling strange, it becomes quite cathartic and you start to develop a real sense of pride when you realise your child is into a good "number two" routine.
Part a) You could be the most realistic, humble person that's ever brought a child into this world but the moment your child appears to catch a ball, or do something beyond their years the following thought will enter your head: "OH MY GOD MY CHILD IS A GENIUS, I NEED TO START A TWITTER ACCOUNT AND BUY THE DOMAIN NAME BECAUSE MY BABY WILL BRING PEACE TO OUR WORLD!!!" Or something to that effect.
Part b) Yes, your child is awesome to you, but not long after you go through 5a) they will tip some food on their head or eat a leaf and your hopes and expectations will come crashing back to Earth.
You cannot win when it comes to photos of your new baby; post too many and you'll be that "Baby Spam" person, too few and people will assume you're not sharing photos because you've got an ugly baby. TIP: If you do have an ugly baby find an uglier baby and post photos or your baby with that baby so your baby then looks good by comparison.
While mere mortals might need to check the directory at the shopping centre to find the nearest ATM, 12 months into parenthood you'll not only know where the nearest ATM is, you'll also know that the best Parents Room is located in the back north east corner of the food court on level six and that if you need to save time you can cut through the electronics section of Myer where there is a set of express elevators that can take you straight to the bottom level of the car park where you know there are always free spaces.
Your child's sleep will become invaluable windows of opportunity for you to get things done. So anyone who breaks those windows by waking your child up immediately becomes your mortal enemy.
As a result, the following people will race to the top of your most hated list: people who ride motorbikes, pilots/flight attendants who make unnecessary announcements over the PA system, and anyone who lives in your building who decides to renovate.
Packing light is no longer a phrase, it simply doesn't exist.
If you're raising a child as a single parent, you are superhuman. But for those of you co-parenting, you will discover that one of you is the "Panic" parent and the other is the "No Worries" parent.
If, like me, you find you're the parent who thinks the slightest cough is cause to call an ambulance, don't worry because the "No Worries" parent will stop you before you get the chance to dial the third zero just because your baby sneezed.
The odds are your baby isn't going to develop the ability to speak words and fully formed sentences in the first year, but that won't stop you and your partner from voicing your baby's thoughts.
You will find yourself having full conversations with your baby discussing everything from the weather to the rising conflict in North Korea where you not only speak your own opinions but give voice to what you imagine your baby would say in response.
It will make you appreciate your own parents even more. As you gush about every little milestone, you'll realise that your parents went through this exact process with you and even though you've grown up, moved out and created a family of your own, the feelings never change.
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