Lee Suckling: Why you should never tell someone to calm down

COMMENT:

Whenever you see police trying to contain a situation with an aggravated member of the public, you'll notice them saying, "calm down".

If you're in an argument with your partner and your emotions are flying high while theirs are not, you'll probably be told "calm down".

When you've received terrible news and it feels like your chest is caving in, anybody around you will likely say, "calm down".

I hate being told to calm down. It has the absolute opposite effect of the intended – it makes me more furious. It's as patronising as telling someone who just broke their arm, "can you just suck up the pain?"

Few things are more maddening in the moment than somebody telling you to control your emotions. How do you define an "overreaction" as opposed to a "normal reaction"? Who gets to decide?

If you're being irrational, you don't know it at the time. You don't have the benefit of outside perspective when it's happening to you.

Here's what anyone who uses the phrase "calm down" needs to know. Emotions like anger or anxiety are not a choice. They're the result of surging adrenaline, a chemical bodily response to stress.

There's no on/off switch. No immediate way of de-escalation.

The person experiencing the state in mention needs to "calm down" on their own, naturally. This could take a few minutes, or even hours. All you need to know is the brain and body cannot operate at that high level of distress for too long. It will peak and eventually abate.

When you get into a situation with someone you WANT to calm down, you have many other options than saying it in those words.

The first thing to do is to come down to their level. Telling someone to calm down expresses an air of superiority; it's a subtle act that displays one person has the upper hand over the other.

Instead, adjust YOUR mood for them. Visibly take deep breaths in front of them. Adjust your posture, stop pointing or using hand gestures, and just pause. Do all the things you want them to do, and there's a high likelihood they will follow your lead. We are all sheep like that.

Next, sit down and talk. When people are told to calm down, they're usually standing. This exasperates their emotions.

Grab a seat, invite the person to sit across from you, and ask them to explain more of how they're feeling. This will bring about a catharsis, however small, that aids in de-escalation.

Now it's time to add some sentences that will actually help this person calm down. Empathy is key. You want to say things like, "I'm here for you", and "I understand why you're upset".

Even if the person under distress is saying things that are incorrect or logically irrational – it helps nobody to point that out at this minute.

Lastly, ask them what they need. After providing initial support, this puts the onus of the situation back onto the person under distress. They are now tasked with telling you how things can be bettered.

If they say, "I don't know!", that's fine. Just do more listening and let their emotions cool down.

I personally find that when I am stressed or angry, all I need is for someone to take one small job away from me. Absolve me of being responsible for one thing so I can handle the rest.

They say a problem shared is a problem halved. This applies to all states of personal aggravation. Saying "calm down" will never get a person to calm down, but an effort to alleviate them of some of their mental pressures probably will.