Small town mentality
"Why would I need new friends? I already have them."
It sounds like an insular way to go about life, but this is how many New Zealanders operate their daily lives. A lot of Kiwi friendships are solidified in time – e.g. high school friends that have grown into adulthood, longstanding work colleagues, and relatives – and there's definitely a subconscious lack of effort to change that dynamic.
We could call this "small town mentality" (even when you come from a city), because some people operate like their friendships are set in stone, and newcomers aren't necessary.
What we don't realise is that us Kiwis – who generally come across as happy and open to foreigners on the surface – are often perceived by foreigners as "hard to crack" and unwilling to actively include people they "don't really know".
No spontaneity
I've made an attempt to figure out why my New Zealand friends tense up at the concept of spontaneity when it comes to their schedule. I know almost nobody in this country who is free and keen on doing something social and unplanned.
We are a nation of the pre-organised social life, which is why I am often met with the following response to my last-minute invitations: "I can't tonight and work is crazy, and I'm away this weekend and next. How about three weeks from Tuesday?"
That's a slight exaggeration but you get my point. New Zealanders are, or will tell you we are, extremely busy people. All the time. And for some reason, having a single engagement on a day precludes us from making any other social plans around it.
Are we all really that busy, and is that why making friends with us is so hard? Or do we just pretend to be busy so we can do nothing at home and scroll on our phones in peace?
Keeping the peace
Speaking of peace, Kiwis like to keep it. We're a cordial bunch, which might be why we don't often invite outsiders to social events.
When I look back at any of the other countries I've lived in, asking someone, "want to catch up tonight?" isn't met with, "I can't, I have a party." The typical response is, "I have a party, do you want to come? Meet some fun new people?"
This is a core cultural difference between us Kiwis and others. We aren't comfortable mixing. We are afraid of changing the vibe of an existing group. And we are also afraid of a new person reflecting badly on us, and our social capital being damaged.
You can't go to a bar alone
I've just travelled to the United States again and enjoyed perhaps my favourite thing about that nation: the ability to rock up to any old bar by yourself, meet new people, and have a good time. It's one of the few things Americans do better than Kiwis.
Going to a bar alone in New Zealand is not considered socially acceptable, nor is trying to meet strangers at one. You'll be considered weird, maybe even creepy. And people will be suspicious of your motivations.
Yet with the exception of sports groups and the work setting, how on earth are you going to meet new friends without being welcomed into the socially-lubricated environment of your local watering hole? "Tinder for mates" hasn't exactly taken off.
Very different life paths
One thing I've noticed in my mid-to-late 30s is how you only really retain the friendships of those who've followed a similar life path to you.
If you have jumped on the child-rearing bandwagon, your friendship group will reflect that and your weekends will be kids' birthday parties and eternal sleeplessness. If you're a corporate hotshot, your friends probably have no issue doing lines with you in Ponsonby Road bathrooms. The same kind of friendships are maintained exclusively amongst gym rats, gamers, good-time girls, you name it ... we all foster friendships with those who are just like us.
So when it comes to friends choosing a different life path (like starting a family), the friendships normally fade if you don't join them. Replacing those holes in our lives isn't easy and requires a level of effort many in the 30+ age group don't think they have time for.
The solution
I hate the phrase "put yourself out there". It's the kind of prosaic saying you'd hear in a Diane Keaton rom-com. But it is true, if you want to make friends, especially after your youth is behind you, you must step up your efforts.
Invite newbies in. Don't be afraid of new friendships not working out. Be proactive with new people (borders open and visas being granted means lots more of them!) and don't make them come to you.
If we communally try and remove the barriers in making friends that exist in this country, we will all have a lot more cool people in our lives.
