In a survey by travel website Expedia last year, which asked 11,000 people from 24 countries about beach attire, just six per cent of Kiwi men said they wore speedos on their last beach holiday. This is in contrast to the 16 per cent of men who flaunted their goods in the sun without a stitch of lycra.
That's right: Kiwi men are more than twice as likely to go stark-naked at the beach than to wear tiny trunks.
What's up with our aversion to speedos? It's a drastic contrast to our neighbours in Australia, who are all about the budgie smuggler. You'll see them on beaches across Australia, summer and winter, and nobody bats an eyelid. Kids wear them, grown men wear them, and old guys wear them too.
Here in New Zealand, speedos are largely the reserve of professional swimmers and old codgers with leathery skin. Both of whom, for better and for worse, are unashamed of showing their entire bodies to strangers.
It's highly likely Kiwis' speedo distaste comes in part from our macho rugby culture. Ironic, given it's a game where big burly men wear the shortest of shorts and touch each other's bums.
Ten years ago I would have said Kiwi men were very body shy, but today it appears that's not the case - just look at the Cristiano Ronaldo effect that has made it perfectly okay to wear string singlets on Auckland streets. It's therefore unclear why we still haven't embraced Aussie Bums (a speedo brand for tough blokes) on New Zealand beaches, since Kiwis - younger guys especially - have become pretty comfortable showing their skin.
The Aussies gifted a pair of baby 'Budgy Smuggler' branded swimming trunks to Prince George during a visit by the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge.
Photo / Getty
Gay men worldwide have always been exempt from speedo antipathy, because we've worn them for decades. This isn't to say speedos are uniquely gay (though catcalls from bigot boy racers in moving cars might tell us otherwise). Speedos are, however, fetishised in gay culture and are welcomed wherever there's water nearby (and sometimes places it's not - any bar that plays It's Raining Men might be okay too).
But speedos are not just for gay men, athletes, and granddads. New Zealand needs to get over its speedo aversion, and embrace the thigh-freeing liberty of swimming and sunning without baggy board shorts weighing us down.
First of all, let's start with the swimming benefits of speedos. Swimming in an ocean or, to a lesser extent, pool, is a wonderfully freeing feeling. You are at one with the water, and nature, and it's easy to let go of everything rolling around your brain. Have you ever shaved your head to a number one, then spent the next week rubbing your skull with carefree glee? That's how good to feels every time you swim in speedos.
There are also the tanning benefits, which really are the biggest drawcard to speedos. Tan lines aren't just a consideration for girls (I know they plague your summers, ladies, and involve very strategic sunbathing). Let's face it, guys: board short tan lines look ridiculous. When you take off your clothes, it's like you're wearing a pair of white thigh-high boots. How manly is that?
Lastly, something that is both a benefit and a flaw of speedo-wearing, depending on how confident you are. Speedos say you won't let Kiwi conservatism dictate your wardrobe choices, nor do you actually care what others think. Speedos get you noticed (they'll also get you Instagram followers, if that's what you're after). They tell the world that you work hard at the gym every day, or, conversely, that you are completely fine with not going to the gym at all. They are, in essence, the ultimate garment of freedom; a modern-day metaphor for nonconformity that can be as masculine or as camp as, well, knickers, as you want them to be.
As a sidenote, though, if you commit to speedos, you have to commit every time (and be diligent with sunscreen). I spent several weeks in January cultivating an even all-over tan, without burning, because I loathe shorts tan lines. You can imagine my disappointment when, last weekend, I had lunch on my deck with friends and didn't realise my un-sunblocked lower thighs were in direct sun the entire time. I took off my shorts to shower that evening, only to discover the aforementioned hooker-boot look. Subsequent afternoons were spent back on the deck, Speedo-clad, performing a careful regime of various SPF factors to correct my patchiness and re-calibrate my tan uniformity.
If you can handle the risks, Kiwi lads, and want to reap the rewards, I urge you to buy a pair of speedos and trial them out while you still have time. This weather won't last forever. If you're uncomfortable in public, which you might be at first, just think about this: it's New Zealand, and there'll always be at least one bloke at the beach wearing just his grubby Rio underpants. No matter what, you'll definitely look better than him.
