1. We’d all work three weeks a month
If men were bleeding from any orifice of their body, let alone the precious penis, we wouldn’t be expected to work. Couple that with severe pain, cramps, and everything else that comes with menstruation? Every office would institutionalise three-week months, allowing every person a week of leave per month to manage their period. We’d all still get paid for four weeks, naturally.
2. Sanitary products would be free and ubiquitous
Years ago, the charity WaterAid made a joke advertisement for men’s tampons in order to highlight how much of the world doesn’t have access to sanitary products. While men wouldn’t actually wear tampons in their insertable form, we would have access to a form of sanitary pad in every single restroom. Sanitary products would sit in dispensers beside the loo roll in every stall. They’d be free, and companies would absorb, pun intended, the cost without complaint.
3. All Blacks would advertise menstruation products
Products for menstruation, from sanitary pads to vitamin supplements, endurance drinks to ready-meals, would be advertised in deluge with male celebrity ambassadors. Getting an All Black to flog your product would be the marketer’s dream in this country; one that ensured you had a brand, not just a product. Slogans such as “put the MEN in menstruation” would be plastered everywhere from bus shelters to TikTok videos.
4. Blood would be glorified
Rather than being seen as revolting, blood would be glorified if men had periods. We’d be obsessed with – and proud of – blood. High-performance cars would be made in “period red”. Blood would be shown on packaging of products. Ads might even look like Tarantino films, with red splatters on the camera lens. Guy Ritchie’s 2023 blockbuster could even be a menstruation movie.
5. Periods would be a huge focus among schoolboys
Men would learn from school age to boast about the volume of blood they produced each month. We would be taught that periods are a rite of passage in manhood, something to be proud of. We would embellish the size of our flows, and get competitive about who got their period first.
6. Men would tell everyone, every month
Men would tell everyone – literally everyone – they had their period, and with this we’d expect the greatest possible sympathy from others. You think man-flu can be a cringeworthy demand for attention? Actually, we’d be vocal about being on our periods as a way to scapegoat rudeness, anger, and outbursts. “Sorry, I’m on my period” would be a perfectly acceptable response for treating another human poorly. We’d use this excuse monthly, of course.
7. ‘On the rag’ would be a tame euphemism
There would be a million more euphemisms for periods, and they wouldn’t be as polite as “on the rag”, “crimson tide”, or “Aunt Flo”. We’d use more vulgar sayings such as “dropping clots”, “fallen to the Communists” and “time for an oil change” (all actual synonyms for menstruation, per online thesauruses) with pride.
8. Tech billionaires would be in a race to develop the best sanitary product
It’s common knowledge Elon Musk, Jeff Bezos and Mark Zuckerberg are all contenders in their own proverbial penis-measuring contest. If men menstruated, these three tech billionaires would have raced to create the best, most high-tech, sanitary product that lasted the longest, er, period. The winning product would be so manly, you could even wear it to space!
9. Endometriosis would be cured
The medical community would have spent decades researching the complications of menstruation if men got periods too, with billions upon billions poured into science. So much effort would be made to pull men out of severe pain, cramps, and hormonal difficulties that endometriosis would be cured by now.
10. There would be high-performance menstruation
Through both scientific innovations and word-of-mouth trends, men would optimise their bodies to “win” at menstruation. Players on sports teams would intentionally sync up their periods for optimal playing time. We would count our “bloody days” like PBs (personal bests) in Crossfit. There would be guys out there who have “hacked” their bodies through diet, exercise, and lifestyle choices for the “best” periods. Menstruating would become a high-performance activity on its own.
