In movie sex, there are never any problems making it happen: everybody clicks together like Lego pieces. There's no fumbling, no second (or third, or fourth) tries, and no need to actively "disengage" at the end – one party just needs to roll over and you're out. In reality, people aren't the perfect size for each other. You need to make adjustments, you need some help (i.e. lubricant), and you need a few go's before you can find your fit.
You can wash up later
At minimum, I want to see a movie couple pass each other a towel or t-shirt for post-sex clean-up. That's what really happens. Yet nine out of ten times during movie or TV sex, when the actors are done, they just slip their underwear back on and go about their business.
Nobody seems to need a shower, which is totally unrealistic – most of the time, real people want to wash up after getting down. Hollywood sex, being all shiny and clean, is also portrayed as something you can just do anywhere – a bathroom stall, an alleyway, a car – without thinking about how grotty your surroundings are. Not true at all in real life.
Standing-up sex is normal
How many times in your life have you had sex standing up? I've done it very few. It's not really that enjoyable or comfortable for anybody. Yet Hollywood sex scenes would tell us standing-up sex is the most common kind.
What really drives me crazy is that first move male actors do in heterosexual sex scenes: they pick a woman up at her waist, she wraps her legs around him, and they go at it against a wall without even removing 90 per cent of their clothing. Few real life guys I know have the arm strength, thighs, and core stability to facilitate stand-ing up sex in this way, especially not for more than about seven seconds. How strong do you think we are?
Everybody orgasms together
Unless you're a tantric master, you'll know that enabling your partner's orgasm at the same time as yours is tough. It's like having two different-sized pots of water on the stove and expecting them to boil at the same time. By Hollywood standards, though, everybody orgasms together, and the guy can always hold on until the girl has reached her peak. Not only is this laughable, it sets everyone up with unrealistic expectations about the purported ease of climax.
The first time is either a zero or a 10
Despite the supposed simplicity of it, movie sex is portrayed as being one or two things: terrible or amazing. Either it's an awful 0/10, or a mind-numbingly brilliant 10/10 – especially when it's the first time two characters have sexually engaged. Why is there no room for a middle-ground here? Where's the realisation that first-time sex with somebody new is normally just "okay"; a nice 5 or 6 out of 10? Sex doesn't have to be either the greatest night of your life or your biggest regret.
