Lee Suckling: Relationship advice from an army spouse

Long distance is doable when it's finite. Photo / Getty

Being in a relationship with somebody in the military isn't really something I'd wish on anyone. You have to get used to living with uncertainty, never being able to make plans (or having plans always cancelled), moving house constantly, and always coming second.

Despite the challenges, you do learn certain lessons being part of a military couple (in my case, as an army husband). Lessons that all people in all types of relationships might do well to learn, not just those of us who are forced to.

HOW TO TRUST

When you're an army spouse, you have nothing if you don't have trust. The whereabouts of your loved one will constantly be unknown for you, and there'll be things they can't tell you for legitimate (but ever-so) wishy-washy reasons. All your questions will always be met with ambiguity. As will wonderings about their safety and security.

In any normal relationship, having these kinds of unanswered questions would all cause you constant worry and serious distrust.

But in a military relationship, you have no choice not to trust. If you were to sit up late at night waiting for them, or worry for days when they're being shady about their whereabouts, you'd drive yourself insane. All there is to do is accept that they love you, and the only things they're keeping from you are those they're simply not allowed to tell you.

LONG DISTANCE NEEDS AN END DATE

My husband has deployed for 27 months out of the five years we've been together. That's a lot of time doing long distance. What you learn, though, is that distance is doable when it's finite.

That is, when there is an end date to the distance and you can count down the months/weeks/days until your separation ends, the whole experience is manageable. It's not easy, and there are certainly struggles along the way, but it can be done.

YOU CAN'T ABUSE TECHNOLOGY

Today there's so much power to communicate, both actively and passively, via your smartphone. What you learn as an army spouse is that this power can't be abused. From read receipts to Find My Friends to who they follow on social media, there are countless ways in which modern relationships can leave you filled with tension.

I've learned that all of these technological advances that are supposed to make life easier actually make relationships harder. You don't need to GPS track your spouse. You don't need to know when they've received your messages and how long they took to reply. You don't need to know who they're connected with on Facebook or Instagram, whose pic they just liked, or if an "x" at the end of a public post to someone else is more than a digital term of endearment.

BEING ALONE HAS ITS UPSIDES

I've sometimes found our life so co-dependent, the thought of being by myself becomes unwelcome. Military spouses get left alone a lot, however. We quickly learn how amazing our own space is.

For example, I get a much better night's sleep in a bed by myself. I can entirely control my own schedule - only doing what I want to do. I can go to the gym at 10 o'clock at night, or wake up at 5am and play music. The house stays tidier, the laundry load is more manageable, and I find myself eating simpler, healthier meals.

You also learn that you like yourself. You're own company is enough; you're not afraid of your own thoughts. Being alone is genuinely enjoyable and that's an experience many people don't have.

YOUR OWN FRIENDS AND COMMITMENTS ARE VITAL

In saying that, social interaction outside of your relationship must be upheld, and you need a strong network of friends and commitments to remain fulfilled. I love having friends that are strictly mine; even if my husband were home, he wouldn't come along to our hang-out time.

I have chores, life admin, and hobbies that don't get dropped because my spouse becomes available. My commitments come first. As such, you see how routine is helpful in relationships. It continually reminds you that somebody is not your "entire world", and life keeps going whether they're with you or not.