Lee Suckling: Please like me: Why anxiety makes me better

In accepting my anxiety, paradoxically, I've also reduced my anxiety, the distress it causes, and importantly, the length of a bad bout. Photo / Getty

Everybody experiences anxiety to some degree. For some of us it's passing worry, for others it's invasive, obsessive-compulsive thoughts.

No matter where you sit on the scale, some handle anxiety better than others. It can be debilitating, or it can be harnessed. It can even make you a better person.

Last year, I spent six months with a psychologist dealing with my anxiety. Rooted in perfectionism and a misguided self-requirement to present myself as infallible to the world, in therapy my anxiety was tackled through mindfulness, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), and other types of acceptance techniques.

Perhaps the most important takeaway from all of this was learning to stop fighting anxious or obsessive thoughts. Rather, I developed an ability to let them wash over me whilst accepting "this is my brain", "this is how I think and feel", and "I'll never not be like this".

2017 has been a fantastic year so far, namely because of this acceptance: anxiety is not only part of me, but it makes me a better person.

Like many of you, I get nervous. I can't sleep the night before a social event where I have to be "on"; looking my best, able to leave a crowd thinking I'm a combination of cool, smart, friendly, funny, and approachable.

In therapy you learn that social anxiety is largely a waste of time because nobody is ever really thinking about you anyway. We're all so consumed by our own lives. Even if there's a negative judgement about you, it'll be fleeting. Definitely not worth a lost night's sleep over.

I've come to appreciate nervousness however. It shows that I respect the people I'm going to be around. I value their positions - whether professional or societally - and I care about their contributions. Were I able to walk into a party or social event with a casual and nonchalant attitude, it would show the opposite: disrespect. It would illustrate over-confidence, as if I held myself in higher esteem than the people I'd be spending time with.

But I'm not able to be so casual. It's just not in my DNA. Everything takes effort; nothing about me is incidental. None of that comes without a fair amount of heart-palpitating, sweat-mark-inducing mental anguish.

Anxiety also causes you to over-prepare, and to over-think. We tend to think of this as destructive, but I make it work for me. Rather than leaving me with a paralysing inability to take action (as anxiety does for some perfectionists, for fear of non-accomplishment), I stop at nothing to reach for the stars. I don't accept that something cannot be achieved or an outcome can't be met. Anxiety, for me, means failure is not an option.

In accepting my anxiety, paradoxically, I've also reduced my anxiety, the distress it causes, and importantly, the length of a bad bout.

When one admits they are experiencing, even suffering, from anxiety in any given moment, that anxiety loses so much of its hold over them. Its power is largely taken away. It's still there, but it's not controlling because you're not spending any brainpower fighting it. You're just getting on with the task at hand.

Because I have anxiety, I've never missed a deadline, never failed a test, never been unsuccessful in putting on a good show at a social gathering, never knowingly let an opportunity pass me by. To my internal disadvantage but external benefit, it keeps me trying, and trying, and trying without relent.

Although it's only part of my experience, I used social anxiety as an example earlier for good reason.

When you are open about your mental health with those you've always tried to impress - those that have caused you anxiety in the past - you get to see that presenting yourself as definably "not perfect" does something really unique. It makes people like you even more.

Where to get help:

• Lifeline: 0800 543 354 (available 24/7)
• Suicide Crisis Helpline: 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO) (available 24/7)
• Youth services: (06) 3555 906
• Youthline: 0800 376 633
• Kidsline: 0800 543 754 (available 24/7)
• Whatsup: 0800 942 8787 (1pm to 11pm)
• The Word
• Depression helpline: 0800 111 757 (available 24/7)
• Rainbow Youth: (09) 376 4155
• CASPER Suicide Prevention
If it is an emergency and you feel like you or someone else is at risk, call 111.