Lee Suckling: New study 'Feeling Scared During Sex' finds alarming trend

• Warning: distressing content

People are being forced into intense sexual situations because porn actors virtually tell them they are the norm, finds Lee Suckling.

Thanks to a popular porn move, choking a partner during sex is on the rise. Erotic asphyxiation, as it's technically known, purportedly delivers an extreme high during orgasm.

When all parties are consenting and everything is safe, I'm of the belief this is a legitimate kink that shouldn't be shamed. The current trouble, however, according to the new study Feeling Scared During Sex, is that people are choking their partners without asking them first.

Apparently the move is becoming popular among young sexually active people. Thirteen per cent of girls aged 14 to 17 reported being choked without their consent. Such an act of aggression has been linked to a high consumption of pornography, suggesting that adolescents are learning about this technique online and trying it without permission.

I was (very lightly) choked during sex once. I'm not going to lie, it scared me. It was unexpected, but my partner did stop immediately as I removed their hand from my throat. I too had seen the move before in porn, and wrote it off as somebody "trying something in the moment". Thankfully, they respected my refutation.

I believe consumption of porn leads us all to believe that we are too "vanilla" in bed. As such, it normalises extreme sexual behaviour such as rough, almost violent activities. We are told these are enjoyable – even expected – for both partners, and through pornography we are basically given a step-by-step lesson on trying them at home.

The trouble here is (as we can see in the Feeling Scared During Sex study), porn is acting. Everybody involved has pre-agreed to the sexual actions they will embark on, and there is a general expectation of safety without on-screen verbal consent. In real life, you don't generally undertake "blocking" like you would for a film or stage performance to facilitate a precise and expected performance. Real sex is ad hoc.

Again, a person's sexual kinks shouldn't come with feelings of disgrace. Yet because choking essentially falls into the BDSM realm, it's never something one should spring on another person spontaneously.

Sex educator Erica Smith says if someone is interested in choking during sex, they must have explicit consent and a clear plan for doing it (and stopping it, if/when necessary).

"This conversation should happen completely removed from a sexual encounter. Ask your partner if you may choke them during sex and find out details," she advises. Safe words, non-verbal signals, and aftercare are also important (as with all other forms of BDSM).

Personally, I still have a problem with this when it comes to young people because of the porn issue. People are being forced into intense sexual situations because porn actors virtually tell them they are the norm.

In this case, a person could give consent to being choked but not really be okay with it. Pornography, like all other forms of online media (including social media, e.g. Instagram), gives people unrealistic expectations about who they should be. You're left feeling like a prude if you don't engage in the same behaviour as seen on screen.

Nobody should ever feel unsafe during sex. Sure, there are people out there who enjoy being choked safely, but there are also many who are frightened by it. Unexpected choking is not acceptable. It could, quite literally, lead to harming or even killing someone.

A conversation must be had outside of sexual contact if you're interested in it, and both parties must be aware if external forces are making them feel like choking is the new must-do.