Lee Suckling: A cocktail party and an unexpected proposition

Stigma exists about bisexuality and the only thing that will make wider society understand it more is if we see it like any other normal sexuality. Photo / Getty Images

A proposition for Lee and his husband sees our Sex Files columnist reflect on the most important advice for the bicurious.

• Contains explicit sexual content

When you're married and in your thirties, it's not often that a cute young thing in their early twenties asks if they can come home with you (and your husband/wife).

That happened to me on Saturday night at a cocktail party. I was bowled over by this person's forthrightness and, after politely declining, said we were flattered.

The twenty-something – who identified as bicurious but had only ever been with the opposite sex – said, "Thank god, I would have no idea what to do if you said 'yes'" before we parted ways.

When I got home, I turned the TV to Bravo and "The Bi Life" was on. It's a cheesy dating show hosted by drag queen Courtney Act, with a positive underlying message: gender isn't important when it comes to sex and people should feel freer to experiment.

Both experiences have led me to wonder what advice I can give to the curious out there. Those who want to have sex (or even just be intimate) with someone of the same sex and are struggling with making a move.

The first thing that's probably stopping you is societal expectations. Despite how far we have come in understanding sexualities in the 21st century, bisexual men who have sex with men are presumed to be gay and denying it. In the same way, bisexual women who have sex with women are assumed they will eventually go back to men.

This is an issue within the LGBT+ community itself. Even I'm guilty of it – I watched Courtney Act/Shane Jenek for an hour and feel ashamed that I thought, "you can't really be bisexual, can you?" This line of thought makes me part of the problem; the reason bisexuality is not taken seriously and why "bi-erasure" happens.

Acknowledging that societal/community perceptions may make you uncomfortable in pursuing sex with another gender is a hurdle bicurious people must manage, unfortunately. Stigma exists about bisexuality and the only thing that will make wider society understand it more is if we – myself included – actually see it and talk about it like any other normal sexuality.

There are other emotional considerations. External pressures aren't the only thing that might stop you from experimenting with another gender. There's the logistics: a real fear that you won't know what to do if you're a man faced with another penis for the first time, or a woman presented up close and personal with someone else's vagina. Will you know what goes where and when and how? Will you be overwhelmed when the other person touches you?

Essential here is to realise that your first-time experience won't be like what you've seen in online porn, which is probably the only expression of bicuriousity you've indulged in to date. Porn is not real sex, and you're not expected to behave like that.

When you engage in sexual relations for the first time with someone of another gender, I think the "take it slow" approach works best for everyone. Tell the other person you're nervous and you haven't done this before. If they are not kind, supportive, and willing to go at a pace you feel comfortable with, get out of the situation. Wait, and try again at another time with somebody else.

You should also try not to judge or edit your post-sex feelings. If your experience is positive or exceeded expectation, you don't have to go down the "so I must be gay then" rabbit hole. It will take time to understand what you felt and what it means to you. Likewise, if the sexual experience was a let-down, don't tar all future same-sex relations with the same brush. The first time I slept with a guy, for example, it wasn't very good – I spent months thinking, "I guess I am actually straight" before I tried again to more success.

The emotional fallout is another aspect you'll have to deal with if and when you go ahead. I'm sure some people think, "that was fun" and go on with their normal lives, but others will be plagued with internal questions. You might feel dirty or guilty, or – on the other hand – feel liberated and like you've finally been "seen". Every person and their experience is different and okay. I advise you have at least one trusted friend you can talk about your experience with honestly. Do it within the first day or so after, and continue to revisit your feelings as they evolve.

One final thing to remember is that sexuality is a spectrum. It's not unusual to have sexual urges for a gender contrary to your usual feelings. Go with your gut and worry about labels later. The most important part of sexual experimentation is a better understanding of your body, not to ensure you have the correct sexuality descriptor to tell other people.