"Sex can be self-masochistic: you can be sleeping with somebody that you know is fundamentally bad for you, yet you keep going back anyway." Photo / 123rf
"Sex can be self-masochistic: you can be sleeping with somebody that you know is fundamentally bad for you, yet you keep going back anyway." Photo / 123rf
• Warning: This article contains sexually explicit content and is intended for an adult audience.
Consciously not having sex doesn't sound appealing, but sometimes it's necessary, writes Lee Suckling.
Choosing to remove yourself from your sex life can do positive things for you, especially if you have other things inyour life that need prioritisation.
Sex can help you feel wanted and sexy. That's one of the best things about it: no matter who you are or what you look like, it can make you feel attractive. It's a wonderful confidence booster. However, if you are using sex for validation because you feel unworthy otherwise, register that sex has become a problem for you.
2. When you aren't attracted to who you're sleeping with
Have you ever found yourself going home with somebody, not because you're attracted to them, but because they are "there" and available? This isn't fair on anybody, including yourself. It's time to review who you're sleeping with and why – and you should do this alone.
3. When all your sex is drunk or high
If you only have sex when under the influence, you have quite a different relationship with it (and your own body). Everything feels different when you're drunk or high. You're more open and liberal (which I think is generally a good thing) but you're also more carefree, which can lead to bad decisions (like not using condoms). If sober sex is going to be a new experience for you, it's a good idea to take a break between to recalibrate your expectations.
"If you only have sex when under the influence, you have quite a different relationship with it." Photo / 123rf
4. When you only have "routine" sex
If you're in a long-term relationship and your only sex is scheduled, predictable and boring, it's fine to take a break. This doesn't necessarily mean you're giving up on your sex life: you should use this time without sex to talk to your partner about sex. Reignite some desires without the pressure of immediate performance.
5. When it is causing you pain
Sex can cause tears in the skin, dryness, rashes, chafing and all sorts of other discomforts. It goes without saying that if sex is causing you pain, you need a break from it (and maybe a chat to a medical professional before jumping back on the horse) in order to enjoy a pain-free sexual future.
6. When you're going through a tough time
Sex is a form of escapism. That's great if you've had a hard day at work and just need to decompress. Less so if you're going through a chronic rough time. While some people's libidos disappear when times are tough (I know mine does), others become hornier. If you are experiencing any kind of emotional problems, it's best you step out of the bedroom and give psychological healing your full focus.
7. When you've just come out of a big relationship
I am fully aware of the cliché "the only way to get over somebody is by getting under somebody" and appreciate that it often rings true. When you're coming out of a relationship, a new fling – also known as a rebound – can be a good distraction. If the relationship was a "big one", however, there's often a lot of trauma wrapped up in your experience. Better to wait it out and try to process some of it alone.
8. When the person you're sleeping with is bad for you
Sex can be self-masochistic: you can be sleeping with somebody that you know is fundamentally bad for you, yet you keep going back anyway. They might make you feel terrible about yourself afterwards, they might be the kind of person who ignores you in public (and only wants you in private), or they might be someone with whom you have no future and you're only causing yourself pain by going back there. A break from sex may help you realise when someone is bad for you – and give you the strength to move on.
9. When you're addicted
Sex addiction is real. Saying, "why don't you just stop?" is about as naïve and condescending as telling an alcoholic to "just put the bottle down for a while". If you're addicted to sex – i.e. you crave it unhealthily and it interferes with your daily life – you do need a break, though. That should happen professionally through a rehabilitation programme.
10. When you just don't want to
Never have sex because you feel like you "should". Don't have it out of guilt or pressure from another. It's your body and your choice. Don't want to have sex? Need to take a break from sex? It's your prerogative and anybody must respect your reasons.
