Our second child came along several years later. We were a content family unit - I thought. Problems started when my ex went back to work. She changed. I had a feeling someone was paying her attention and my suspicions were swiftly proven correct when she told me she'd been having an affair.
It's hard to put into words the mixture of emotions I felt. Betrayed, definitely. There was also a huge wall of grief that hit me pretty quickly as it sunk in our family was destroyed.
I moved out and visited the children each weekend. I tried to put aside my roaring resentment towards my ex but it quickly became too hard for either of us to be around each other. Visits became less frequent and she'd drop them at my mum's house so we didn't have to see each other.
My youngest child struggled. Her development went backwards. After every visit, she was worse. She started stuttering and she lost weight.
She started walking up to random parents collecting their kids from school asking, "Do you love me?" My heart was torn apart.
Then she started wetting herself during the day. This is what I was doing to my beloved daughter? Her mother and I both, separately, went to see a child psychologist who suggested I stay away for a few weeks to see if she settled. She did. My heart tore even more.
My world fell apart.
I haven't seen my children since.
That is six years ago.
I was offered a job interstate and as I was struggling financially, I knew it was a move that made sense. I also knew what I was sacrificing. It was another nail in the coffin of the family I had lost.
After I moved, I'd call but there would be no answer.
Outsiders presume that it's the right thing to fight for your kids. I honestly believe this is not the right time. My priority is, and always will be them, that doesn't mean I have to fight to be in the same room as them.
It's hell being away from them. I miss them every day. Every morning I look at photos of us laughing together, I hear their voices in my ears, and wish life was different.
It's so much more complicated than people can imagine. If you want to do the right thing by your children - what does that actually look like? Is it really bringing that kind of energy into their life where their learning and development goes backwards? Is it really best that they feel the energy of warring parents?
I don't think so. Even on days where I go for a walk alone and let secret tears fall, I know I'm doing the right thing long term.
I adore my children and want them to be happy. I've never had another relationship. I've set up savings accounts for them. I will be here when they want to come to me. I know it will get easier as they get older.
I will not step into their world and cause harm. I hear about them through my mum who still sees them; they're thriving at school, they're happy.
A few weeks ago a friend of mine took his own life. He was a guy in his thirties stuck in a messy custody dispute. It consumed his every moment; it broke him because ultimately he was powerless to fix it. He was drowning in debt to try to keep up with legal fees and it drove him into the ground.
Of course, I have days where I want to race around and hold them. Every day I tell my children, "I love you".
Now is not the time for me to fight and battle and bring stress into their stability. Long term, I know I am doing the right thing. Being a good parent means putting your selfish desires to one side - and I firmly believe I'm doing that.
*Name has been changed to protect identity.
