The loss of someone close to us requires us to re-programme our attachment system. Photo / 123rf
The loss of someone close to us requires us to re-programme our attachment system. Photo / 123rf
My sister died by suicide two months ago today, and I'm barely functioning. When does it get better?
I can't work, sleep badly if at all, have "crying days" and nights. I watch shows about death and grieving, because even though they make me cry, they comfort me. I don'trecognise parts of myself. Why is grief like this?
I'm so very sorry for your loss. Losing someone to suicide is a particularly awful pain.
Grief in general, the loss of someone close to us, requires us to re-programme our attachment system. The ability to be close, to love, to be attached is innately human and necessary for our very survival. And it's so innate that needing to adjust to losing someone close is incredibly difficult, extremely painful, and takes time.
Acceptance, an idea and mental skill that seems so simple in theory is the ability to keep turning our mind to "what is" - as opposed to what we want to be true, or how we want reality to look. The human capacity to shape, and even distort reality based on our thoughts, feelings, wishes and perceptions, should never be underestimated.
And acceptance is obviously most difficult when things are not the way we want things to be - when they are hard to accept.
Grief requires acceptance, and indeed when we get to a place where we can live with the grief it is often because we have had to keep turning our mind towards accepting the painful reality.
Suicide, by its very nature, is unacceptable. And that makes the grief that much harder to process.
The two most common - and completely understandable - sticking points are why, and guilt.
It is completely natural to keep asking ourselves why when someone dies of suicide, and finding ways to understand and accept the state of mind they were in at the time is important. It's also important not to get lost there - especially if the reasons are unclear.
In general, people attempt suicide because they're in pain, and feel that pain to be inescapable.
That can be because their circumstances are in reality awful and they are trapped, or more tragically it may be that due to overwhelming distress, and the distortion that happens with strong feelings, they feel their circumstances were hopeless, and inescapable.
All of this can feel impossible to accept, if from the outside, they "seemed fine." Because sadly it's also quite common that people who complete suicide hide their distress.
The people close to them may feel shocked to learn that they were struggling that much.
Which is part of what can lead to the guilt - and wishing you had done more.
Guilt and self-blame is a natural response to loss and anger, and struggling with the wish that if only we had done something different, then things would be different. With grief some people talk about this as "bargaining" with reality - a series of "if only's" that we can get stuck on and ultimately only serve to prolong the pain.
Because in the end, the only way through is to feel the pain, but to balance this with not getting lost, overwhelmed or swamped. It can be natural to almost feel drawn to the sadness, as you describe, but it's also vital that you allow space for the feelings to come and go. Don't fear forgetting them, you never will. Letting go of the pain doesn't mean letting go of them.
And don't listen to anyone who tells you that you need to get over it, or move on. You will feel better, but when we lose someone this close I don't believe we ever get over it. The pain dulls with time, but they stay with us, always.
Where to get help: • Lifeline: 0800 543 354 (available 24/7) • Suicide Crisis Helpline: 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO) (available 24/7) • Youthline: 0800 376 633 or text 234 (available 24/7) • Kidsline: 0800 543 754 (available 24/7) • Whatsup: 0800 942 8787 (12pm to 11pm) • Depression helpline: 0800 111 757 or text 4202 (available 24/7) • Anxiety helpline: 0800 269 4389 (0800 ANXIETY) (available 24/7) • Rainbow Youth: (09) 376 4155 If it is an emergency and you feel like you or someone else is at risk, call 111.
