Kyle MacDonald: My new partner is too affectionate; how do I tell him to stop?

Open communication is the best way to deal with intimacy issues. Photo /Getty

Mind Matters psychotherapist Kyle MacDonald answers your mental health questions.

Q: I started a new relationship last year, and my partner is great, but I’m not sure I’m as in love with him as he is with me. He’s very devoted and seems willing to do anything for me, and I find it hard. I know it shouldn’t be off-putting, but it is and I don’t know what to do or how to talk about it with him. How do you tell someone to be less nice?

A: I imagine this is really confusing, and on face value it can be easy to quickly conclude it isn’t right. But I’d caution against being too hasty.

Instead I’d suggest you step back and ask yourself some questions - feelings of discomfort aside - is this the kind of relationship you want to be having? Is this what you want for yourself and your future? Is this what you want from love?

Therapy often deals with questions of love, because love in all its forms remains a mystery and a problem for so many of us. Fundamentally though, love is what we know love to be, from experience. It sounds to me that your experiences of love may have generally involved a bit more distance, perhaps you’re simply not used to being so actively and openly loved in the way your partner does now?

When our natural experience of love doesn’t line up with what might actually be best for us; or worse, can cause us distress or even harm, then we need to work a little harder to not let our heart drive the decisions and to use our head as well.

Hence, asking yourself useful questions and trying to assess if this is actually what you want, even though it may feel unnatural.

If it is what you want, then it’s time to start challenging yourself to do something different.

And the something different is to lean into the relationship more, as a likely pattern with what you’ve described is that when you feel the “off-putting” feelings, you likely pull back, even if it’s only in subtle ways.

So, work on staying close, or better yet being closer. How do you do that? Be more open, talk about your feelings more, allow him to express his love through his actions and sit with your struggle without action.

The task is to get used to experiencing this different kind of closeness and allowing yourself to get closer without pushing him away. You can think of catching up to him if it helps, he has more easily become closer to you, than you have been able to with him.

Over time, practising a different way of being together will become the norm, and whether it is with him, or someone else, being able to get closer in intimate relationships is the aim.

Good relationships help us to grow and push ourselves. Sometimes what we think we want is just what feels familiar or natural. What we want, though, isn’t always best for us.