Kyle MacDonald: I’ve become lonely since lockdown, and I don’t know how to restart my social life

To push yourself too hard is to risk overwhelming yourself. Take it slowly. Photo / Getty Images

Q I’m really struggling with being on my own so much. I live alone and since 2020 and the lockdowns have spent more and more time on my own, at home. I now work from home, chat to people online, but almost never go out to see friends anymore. To start with it was because I was terrified of Covid, but now it’s just become a habit. I’ve lost touch with many of my friends and found myself feeling incredibly down over the summer holidays. I might go for a week without talking to anyone in person. I want to change it this year, but don’t know where to start, it all feels too hard.

A It’s good that you feel like you need to challenge yourself. We are naturally herd animals and spending too much time on our own isn’t good for any of us.

There’s some evidence that suggests that too much time spent away from other people can be detrimental to our physical health due to the impact it can have long-term on our ability to regulate our stress responses.

Face-to-face relationships with people literally help us to relegate our emotions, settle ourselves and reduce our stress levels.

Covid, however, threw many people off course, especially those who live alone, like you do.

Living alone doesn’t mean being lonely, as long as you get enough of your social contact from outside the home, work of course being the most obvious example.

But working from home and, of course, the ease with which we can also chat with friends online, makes it seem like we’re still connected with people because we sort of are, but it isn’t really the same.

In terms of the positive impacts of connection, I strongly believe in person is best, and there is some research to back this up.

However, online connection, even via the modern marvel that is video calling, isn’t inherently bad.

Think of it this way: online relating is like junk food - it isn’t as nutritional, it shouldn’t form our whole diet, but as an occasional part of a balanced diet, it’s okay.

Online relating is a great adjunct to our friendships, and it was certainly better than nothing during the really hard parts of the lockdowns, but I think you can now feel it’s time to get back to in-person life.

The key is to take it slowly, and not criticise yourself for the fact that you need to. To push yourself too hard is to risk overwhelming yourself, and needing to take a backward step.

Take some time to figure out what the easiest first step would be, for instance, would it be spending half a day working from the office, or meeting one trusted friend for a coffee or a walk?

Set goals on a weekly basis and gradually push yourself out of your bubble.

Watch the temptation to criticise yourself for not doing enough, not doing it fast enough, or worry that it’s not happening fast enough.

Simply, self-attacks and criticism won’t help. The reality is avoidance reinforces itself very quickly, it’s human nature to seek safety and it is hard to turn that around.

There is also no right end point - that’s entirely up to you. What I hear is you’ve identified that your life is out of balance.

However, getting back into balance in terms of social contact is something only you can define.

As someone who lives alone, clearly you value that time and space.

But keep going until you feel like things are back to where they need to be.