Q. I'm worried about my friend's drinking, but every time I raise it he gets angry. How can I help him?
A. It's so hard to watch someone we care about do things that are harmful whilst feeling powerless to help.
Sadly there is no magic solution, it'sthe time-old "horse to water" problem. Little will happen until the person can bear admitting to themselves the truth of what they're doing.
But if you are going to raise the problem, focus - gently - on the consequences of the drinking, not the drinking itself. Nothing gets someone defensive quicker than "you drink too much".
So talk instead about the impact on your friendship, and what you see as the problems their drinking may be causing - "I can see you're not happy…"; "I'm worried about your health…"
Ultimately, for change to happen we need to feel worse before we feel better - but you can support someone through that as they come around to the reality of their actions and make steps towards change.
Q. I've been told I should "be more positive" and I keep trying to tell myself positive things but it doesn't seem to help.
A. Positive thinking, positive affirmations, change your mindset - also known as "toxic positivity".
There's little worse than being told to "calm down" - we call that response "invalidation". When you're feeling negative or worried, being told to "think positive" is much the same.
And if you're saying it to yourself then you're just grabbing another stick to beat yourself with - which is probably how you ended up here in the first place.
Which is not to say there isn't anything we can do.
What we need to do instead is develop the capacity to gently and mindfully observe our thinking. And instead of aiming for positive thinking as an effort to attack or outweigh the negative, work on factually observing - just what is there, without judgement.
Because ultimately positive or negative is just a judgement - a lens we lay over reality. And we can choose not to do that, with practice.
Q. I recently tried to do some mindfulness but I'm finding it doesn't help me be calm - is it supposed to?
A. If psychological techniques have a "fashion", then mindfulness has been the must-have item of the last decade. And largely with good reason - it can be a highly effective tool to help us redirect our attention in a world that is speeding up at a frenetic pace.
Contrary to popular opinion, the goal of mindfulness isn't to feel calm. Photo / Simon Migaj, Unsplash
However, the goal isn't to feel calm - it's probably one of the biggest myths about mindfulness. The aim is to get better at directing and controlling what we pay attention to, and sometimes the outcome of this can be a sense of calmness.
But if tension or other hard emotions are present, then that is what we must learn to notice and sit with.
And while that can be a useful challenge for many of us, if you're currently in the midst of a depressive episode, or suffer from trauma flashbacks, then traditional mindfulness may not be a good practice for you.
Q. This year I want to get off my antidepressants. Are they addictive? How should I stop?
A. It's an understandable worry - and while commonly prescribed antidepressants aren't technically addictive, it doesn't mean they aren't hard for some to stop.
We define addiction by the presence of dependence, increasing tolerance over time, and withdrawal. We don't develop a tolerance to anti-depressants - and any dependence we feel is usually because the medication is working.
It can be hard to know when it's the right time to stop, because it's virtually impossible to know how much impact the medication is having until it's absent.
Any plan to stop any medication needs to be made slowly and gradually and with support from your GP.
And don't get disheartened if you need to stay on the medication, but do consider therapy as well. We know that - for all but the most severe depression - the effectiveness of medication and therapy together is better than either on their own.
- Kyle MacDonald is a psychotherapist and co-host of The Nutters Club on Newstalk ZB
