Kyle MacDonald: How do I manage the guilt of not spending time with family at Christmas?

If Christmas matters to you, it can be hard to not be with those you love. Photo / Getty

Q My husband and I take it in turns to be with each of our families on Christmas Day, one year at one, one year at the other. But every year we don’t go to my parents my mother sulks and gives me a guilt trip. It’s happening again this year, and I don’t know how to handle it, I know it’s what she does but I still end up feeling guilty, and some years it’s really ruined the whole thing for me. How can I get her to see reason?

A Our parents certainly know how to push our buttons, given that they likely made them in the first place! And, of course as the end of the year approaches, so does the inevitable politics of family Christmas. Sounds like the system you have is a very reasonable compromise, it’s a shame that your mother can’t get fully on board with it.

Guilt is a tricky emotion. It exists to help us act in a pro-social manner and it’s meant to be a signal we’ve done something wrong, broken a rule, a law, or more subtly a social convention. Or in this case a family rule.

Sounds to me like your mother isn’t someone who is very practised at being direct, but more than that - direct about how she feels, instead focusing on trying to manage what you do so she doesn’t have to feel bad. This is a form of projection - and also a form of controlling behaviour.

To be controlling is something that can leave us feeling something malevolent and abusive is happening, and sometimes that is the case, but it’s also true that we all manipulate - or attempt to influence - each other all the time, especially in families.

What you can do is to try to unravel the projection, and in doing so hopefully also the guilt. But how?

Well, largely it’s about focusing on the feelings your mother isn’t wanting to feel, or at least isn’t talking about - likely her sadness or grief that you’ve got a partner, a family of your own, and have grown up and at least partly moved away from her.

Every second Christmas you’re missed, and rather than feel that sadness, it seems your mother focuses on you having done something wrong, thereby evoking guilt and trying to get you to do something different, because if you did, she would feel better.

So gently, and genuinely validate the sadness which is the truth of the matter.

In response to her admonishments, or guilt-inducing conversations, try to respond with some version of “I know I’ll really miss you too, it’s tough letting go isn’t it? … I find it hard sometimes too, but we have to share Christmas around … I’m sorry I can’t be there, but we have to do what works for our little family too…”

The aim is not to make you, or your mother feel better. It might even result in both of you feeling worse as a result of this kind of approach. But the hope is you might feel more honestly what’s going on.

It is sad that children grow up, and things change. And if Christmas matters to you, it can be hard to not be with those you love.

But relationships go better when we can own what’s ours and feel what’s true. And even better, talk openly and directly about the feelings, and how we impact each other, without anyone feeling like they’re doing - or feeling - the wrong thing.