Q My husband and I take it in turns to be with each of our families on Christmas Day, one year at one, one year at the other. But every year we don’t go to my parents my mother sulks and gives me a guilt trip. It’s happening again this year, and I don’t know how to handle it, I know it’s what she does but I still end up feeling guilty, and some years it’s really ruined the whole thing for me. How can I get her to see reason?
A Our parents certainly know how to push our buttons, given that they likely made them in the first place! And, of course as the end of the year approaches, so does the inevitable politics of family Christmas. Sounds like the system you have is a very reasonable compromise, it’s a shame that your mother can’t get fully on board with it.
Guilt is a tricky emotion. It exists to help us act in a pro-social manner and it’s meant to be a signal we’ve done something wrong, broken a rule, a law, or more subtly a social convention. Or in this case a family rule.
Sounds to me like your mother isn’t someone who is very practised at being direct, but more than that - direct about how she feels, instead focusing on trying to manage what you do so she doesn’t have to feel bad. This is a form of projection - and also a form of controlling behaviour.
To be controlling is something that can leave us feeling something malevolent and abusive is happening, and sometimes that is the case, but it’s also true that we all manipulate - or attempt to influence - each other all the time, especially in families.