The swimwear world has brought women so much to complain about recently. Photo / Supplied
The swimwear world has brought women so much to complain about recently. Photo / Supplied
COMMENT
Back in my day, a bikini was a bikini. It had a pair of bottoms, which covered our bottom, and a top, which covered our boobs. They weren't particularly exciting, unless you accidentally bought a white one which turned transparent in the water and left you cowering in the sea till nightfall.
There were two main options for the bikini-wearing woman. You had your simple bandana strapless option, of which I had a marvellous example in tasteful faux leather. And you had the classic triangle string bikini, which came with ties or — if you were super sophisticated — an actual fastener.
Bikinis came in a variety of colours and patterns, from plain black to vibrant floral. To be fair, none came close to the understated elegance of my faux leather, but there were many acceptable choices for the less fashion-forward female.
These days, bikinis look very different. Call me old (actually, please don't, I'm quite sensitive about my age), but I don't completely understand what's going on in bikini world.
Now, bikini bottoms have remained fairly consistent over the years. Sure, there are different shapes and areas of coverage, from full briefs to the tiniest of G-strings. For the most part, however, their function remains standard: to hide the basics of the lady bits and offer a bit of protection from chafing. (I mean, no one wants to sit on the sand without pants.)
But the bikini tops have completely jumped the shark to use a marvellously appropriate beach metaphor. It began last year with the underboob craze in which breasts are carefully positioned within a too-small top to demonstrate the underside of the cleavage to the adoring public.
Emily Ratajkowski rocking an "underboob" style. Photo / Supplied
We then progressed to the fashionable duct tape bikini in which fabric is shunned and packing tape is embraced. The duct tape bikini evokes delightful memories of gifts and far less delightful memories of waxing, depending on who you are asking.
A duct tape bikini from The Black Tape Project. Photo / Supplied
Pretty soon, the upside-down bikini was born, or, at least, a regular bikini was born and turned upside down.
The upside-down bikini. Photo / Supplied
Then the back-to-front bikini came along, and to be honest, at this stage my poor brain exploded out of my ears.
The back-to-front bikini. Photo / Supplied
What could possibly come next, I wondered? A bikini made of glass? A bikini turned inside out? A bikini that looks like two hands cupping boobs?
Ha ha ha, I laughed to myself. Wouldn't that be hilarious. And then I clicked on the internet, and my boobs laughed with me.
Because my friends, the hand bikini is actually a thing. It is the latest creepy trend, a fresh new option for highlighting the fact that you have breasts and someone might want to touch them. And for the princely sum of $476 (NZD$500) it can be yours.
The hands strapless bikini by Adriana Degreas. Photo / Supplied
Now, in the spirit of full disclosure, I quite like the aesthetics of the hand bikini. After all, when I stand in front of the mirror and hold my boobs up with my hands, they look quite resplendently pert, far more so than in my swimsuit.
I think the hand bikini is an excellent solution for those of us who have lost elasticity and firmness due to breastfeeding and age.
Now I suffer from boobage decline, not boobage bulk. Still, I suspect my more ample-bosomed sisters may fail to thrive in the (fake) hands of the (fake) hand bikini. On a pair of larger breasts, the hands might appear weighed down, pinky fingers hidden under the weight of the cleavage.
The new style has been a huge hit on Instagram. Photo / Supplied
Still, there is a solution, for both the droopy and larger breast, and in the current climate of bikini insanity, it feels eminently feasible.
Forget the duct tape and the creatively tied bikinis and the underboob and fake hands.
We need a bikini top made of actual hands to provide lift and separation and some comforting support. I'd prefer man hands, with well-trimmed nails and a small amount of knuckle hair, but obviously, you could choose your own. Perhaps some firm, gloved hands or some delicate lady fingers or some strong, surgical hands or a pair of chimpanzee paws.
Either way, it is definitely the next big thing. As for the glass bikini and the inside out bikini — and the bikini made of a sedated raccoon and the bikini made of edible cookie dough and the bikini that exists in scent form only — well, they are almost certainly on their way.
