Kerre Woodham: Falling into the female booby trap

Kerre wearing THE dress at the Diamond Jubilee Trust dinner. Photo / Norrie Montgomery

A survey of Kiwi women has found that nearly half of the respondents enhance their cleavage to attract attention. One in five uses her cleavage to get what she wants.

I wish they'd asked how many women would like to minimise their cleavage and detract attention from it. My bust has got away on me. It can do that if I'm not vigilant about exercise and diet and I haven't been recently. Consequently my boobs have taken on a life of their own.

I was MCing the Diamond Jubilee Trust's dinner for Prince Charles and the Duchess of Cornwall this week. None of my flash frocks fit me at the moment and I was reluctant to get anything too spectacular made given that I'm doing a Richie and taking a sabbatical from all public speaking next year.

So I bought a dress at a discount store in New York and thought it might do. The only problem was that it was verrrrrrry low cut. Everything else was covered but the hooters were out there.

I called around a few friends when I got home who assured me the dress would be fine and, in the 24 hours I had between when I got home and the day of the event, I whizzed around a few dress shops, but I couldn't find anything else suitable.

So to the dinner I went, but really the cleavage was ridiculous. The boobs were trussed up and pushed out and I looked like I was delivering up a suckling pig on a tray. And to make matters worse, the microphones on the podium were bendy ones and when I was standing there on stage, the microphones bent in, on both sides, forming a sort of a heart shape across my chest, just in case you hadn't noticed my ample cleavage. Too much of a good thing is too much.

And yet when you have a generous cleavage it's hard to hide it because if you cover up, it can look like puppies fighting to get out of a sack. I wish the girls who like to enhance their cleavage could share some of mine.

That way we'd both be normal.

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