Dragons may run into trouble with Dogs in the next Chinese lunar calendar. Photo / Bradley Ambrose
I don't know about you, but I love reading my horoscope for the year ahead.
I tend to go for the Chinese astrologers as opposed to the traditional sun signs, but then in the sun signs, I'm Capricorn, the goat.
Ambitious, practical, determined, helpful. Ugh. Who would want that as their epitaph? "She was practical and helpful. Rest in peace."
No thank you.
In the Chinese signs, I'm the Dragon, considered the mightiest and most powerful of the signs.
Of all the Chinese zodiac signs, the Chinese consider a Dragon year to be the most desirable in which to be born. The birth rate in China goes up about five per cent in Dragon years as parents try to have a Dragon baby.
And remember Bevan Cheung?
Back in 2012, the then 30-year-old made headlines calling for sperm donors so she could have herself a Dragon baby.
She made headlines again the following year but they were to do with her affair with the Auckland mayor of the time, Len Brown. So I assume she failed in her quest.
Anyhow. Back to the powerful, artistic, intuitive and lucky Dragon, smiled on by fortune and the centre of attention wherever she goes.
I couldn't wait to read my horoscope, given that I have a year of light duties before taking over from Leighton Smith in 2019.
I will be working, but I will have flexible time and I had set myself a list of life goals I wanted to achieve. I've already booked surf lessons.
When I was growing up, girls didn't really get to surf. If you were lucky, you got to mind the towel and the board wax and the labrador on the beach at Whangamata, but you were never asked if you wanted to have a try yourself.
It will probably be a bunch of 8-year-olds and nana in the lesson, and I'm probably too old and inflexible to learn, but what the heck? At least I'll know I gave it a try.
Regular horse riding treks is on the list. Revising the Māori I learned last year so I can move on to Level two is there. Attempting a novel; running the Buenos Aires marathon. So much to do and only 365 days to do it.
So I googled the year ahead for we magnificent, sparkly, over-achieving Dragons and came up short.
The first line said "This is the Year of the Dog. The Dragon and the Dog conflict with one another."
What's more, "Five auspicious stars eye you covetously, while the auspicious stars are few, so your luck will be seriously tested and the inauspicious star Sui Po will bring bad luck to all aspects".
Whaaaat?! This is not good.
And it got worse. Poor luck this year with money, so cut down on expenditure.
In my career, female colleagues are going to tell tales on me and make my life miserable.
Love life — that's looking dire. Married Dragons will go into a cold war over a trivial matter that could well end in divorce. And as for my health prospects, I may as well cash in the life insurance now. We're going to be prone to sudden illness or accidental injury.
Never drive in a bad mood, they said. Well, bloody hell, how could you not be in a bad mood after a reading like that.
I scampered back to the sun signs and the good old practical Capricorn and found solace there. The very first Capricorn page I opened promised me that in 2018, if I continued to strive for what I wanted next year, there would be very little I couldn't achieve.
That settles it. For 2018, I'm leaving the flashy, showy Dragon behind and embracing my helpful and determined Capricorn.
She'll make sure 2018 is a ripper. As I hope it is for you.
She never told them the five-course meal was vegan. So a cousin decided to act.