KEY POINTS:
During his decade in Sydney, David Meech met a lot of Kaussies. That's Kiwi Aussies _ technically Australians, but with hidden New Zealand souls. Sydney is full of them, but they blend in so well, no one knows how many.
The Kaussie adopts Australian nationality, but often goes back to New Zealand for holidays and to see family. "They're basically an Aussie until the All Blacks play the Wallabies."
Meech, who has returned to Auckland for a better quality of life, says resisting conversion to Kaussie requires a thick skin. The wearing down process _ derisive joking _ began almost immediately, not helped by Meech, who arrived in 1988, being a Kiwi in Bondi. He couldn't win.
"If the All Blacks came over and won, everyone was cheesed off with you on Monday. If they lost, that was proof they were better and we were losers. If you get a job in Sydney, you're taking a job off an Australian. If you don't get a job, then you're a bludger. If you change your passport, that's proof they're better than us."
Meech thought, after a few weeks, people would forget he was a Kiwi and move on. Two years later, it was still going on, and carried on until he left.
So you play the game. Example: "Why are you coming over here to work?" "Because the competition is better." Or: "Oh you Kiwis are 20 years behind the times". Reply: "Well thank Christ for that."
Then there was his accent. Meech, who worked in accountancy, would be greeted with howls of laughter if he used the Kiwi pronunciation for plant (plarnt) or route (root). Did he change how he spoke? "Absolutely. To be a success in Australia, you have to adopt the Aussie accent _ it's pathetic really."
The change in vowels _ plant as in ant and route as in out _ also highlighted different cultural aspirations. "Australians see themselves as the junior America, whereas we see ourselves as colonial Britain."
Meech views the competitive put-down humour as the way Australians stay in control.
Sydney has one of the highest rates of immigration in the world. Little wonder, he says, that Sydneysiders are so prone to outward shows of patriotism. But Meech has fond memories of Sydney. Bondi Beach body surfing. Walks around the waterfront for a swim in the Bronte pool. Dining al fresco with a really good Australian white. "We'd get home at around 9.30pm and feel like we'd had a brilliant day."
Bondi in those days was a "crumbling slum", but a cheap place to live. Meech arrived with friends and his French Polynesian wife-to-be, attended the University of Technology, Sydney, part time for seven years and completed his Bachelor of Business in finance and accounting.
The lifestyle was great in his 20s, but the reality of property ownership _ an apartment or possibly a duplex _ was too hard to take. Back in New Zealand he was able to build his dream house. Now with three children, Meech prefers that they are growing up in a "children's paradise".
The downside of Sydney? "When you line up for a bus and there is no line, just elbows in your face; when you're spending two hours a day in a dirty railway station waiting for dirty trains; when you sit on a beautiful beach and there are hypodermic needles in the sand. The bad part is when you see young kids swearing and spitting in the street and abusing an old Jewish man. The bad part is when you look into an inner-city school and there is no playground. You think, `My God, I'm so lucky I grew up in New Zealand'."
Meech says shifting to Australia should be viewed positively, like the OE to Britain _ people expanding their experience and good for them vocationally. "We don't view that as escaping this terrible economy and never coming back." Going over there, having a look, seeing how it pans out. He recommends it.
